


Look at Me (I'm Still Alive)

by ArianneMaya



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Biting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 19:45:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 36,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianneMaya/pseuds/ArianneMaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>It could be that Adam’s having a bad day again. When they happen, they leave him shaken for a long time as he tries to figure why every detail of his life seems… wrong, somehow. As if someone wiped out his whole existence, and replaced it with a poor copy of somebody else’s.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Outsider

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a hint of an idea for another piece of art, then took a life of its own thanks to [heartsdesire456](http://heartsdesire456.livejournal.com/) amazing mix. I’ll never thank her enough for providing me with such an inspiring mix and for leaving me so much freedom to go where I wanted to with this story. ♥
> 
> The story and chapter's titles were inspired by lyrics from the mix, which you can find in the end notes.
> 
> And as usual thank you so much to [Leela](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Leela/pseuds/Leela) for the amazing beta work. I have no idea what I’d do without her.

**1\. Outsider**

**Adam**

_When the dream first visits him, Adam only has a second to wonder if it’s the day of the accident before all of his thoughts are stolen away._

_He feels nothing but pain, slashing through his back, hacking at his shoulder blades as if someone is tearing away strips of skin, one after the other, in a series of precise motions that have Adam screaming._

_“Let him go!”_

_Adam hears the voice but he doesn’t recognize it. His vision is nothing but a red haze of pain, his eyes obscured by tears._

_He’s held down by restraints, strapped to a table of some kind. Fingernails are slicing through his back as sharp as a knife. Sweat is pooling on his forehead, and his throat is raw from screaming._

_“I bet it hurts, doesn’t it?” The voice is gentle and kind. It sends a wave of nausea through Adam. “As bad as it did when I found out what you did to my brother. But it will stop hurting soon. I promise.”_

_Adam can’t help but think that it’s not really him they’re talking too. The thought flies out of his head as soon as the fingernails tear through his back again, and he sobs as a fresh wave of pain hits him._

_Right before he blacks out, he hears the first voice again. “Adam, can you hear me? Adam?”_

_Adam wants to reply. But he’s already waking up._

***

Sometimes the nightmares wake Adam kicking and screaming. Those are the bad days, when he has to call in sick at the bookstore and spend hours trying to make sense out of the mess of his thoughts. 

Today, though, the path back from sleep is slow and easy. Adam blinks against the wandering rays of sunlight that fought their way through the drapes. He still has a couple more minutes before his alarm rings, before the whole house wake up and he has to get going. 

He stays in bed, enjoying this time when the whole house is quiet, sleeping. He loves what he can see in these moments, as he tries to catch a glimpse of the dream that woke him up. It’s already slipping through his fingers, as it always does, but this morning the feelings of the dream stay with him, making things just a little uneasy for him. 

He has a routine that involves, somehow, very little talking, thanks in large part to the fact that all those who live here are strangers to each other. They rent rooms because they need them, all for different reasons, yet no friendship comes out of it.

Being quiet always waken something at the edge of Adam’s conscience, as if it’s not quite right. As if before the accident, he was the guy who talked so much that he sometimes annoyed his friends. That’s not the case anymore. 

Today it feels wrong, as if it’s everyone else’s fault, and not his. He admonishes himself before he can finish that thought. The accident changed a lot of things about how Adam interacts with others, including this. 

Besides, Adam can’t even put his finger on why it feels wrong. It’s like he’s holding his housemates to some standard that he doesn’t even know where he found. As if he’s constantly comparing them to someone who doesn’t even exist. 

But now that he’s noticed it, Adam can’t un-see the way every single one of them dances out of his reach if he gets too close. How there is something about everything they do – starting the coffee, spreading butter on toast, reading the newspaper – that makes it look like carefully rehearsed choreography, executed in the exact same way every day. 

The only thing that’s different now is that Adam feels like he’s not a captive audience who just watches, entranced by the magic happening right in front of his eyes. It’s as if he suddenly found himself behind the curtains and can see every little thing that’s used to create the illusion. 

Still he doesn’t say a thing. It’s just an impression, and it could be that he’s having a bad day again. They are less and less frequent but they still happen from time to time. And when they do, they leave him shaken for a long time as he tries to figure why every detail of his life seems… wrong, somehow. As if someone wiped out his whole existence, and replaced it with a poor copy of somebody else’s. 

He’s aware that he was… different, before, but there is something in the way everybody acts around him that makes him think that maybe he wasn’t such a nice guy, before. And from what he’s been told about the accident, he was also a guy who made a lot of bad choices. 

Now, his mornings are quiet as he painfully tries to find the energy he needs to go through his days. Sometimes it’s easy, but most days it feels like his brain is full of cotton, his thoughts lost in a fog that he can barely see through. 

Today, however, it’s a little bit easier. Instead of unsettling him, the dream – nightmare, at least he thinks it was a nightmare – and the way it woke Adam up is helping him be more focused. He avoids his usual coffee and makes some tea instead. He vaguely remembers his doc telling him something about the importance of having a routine and sticking to it, but right now Adam doesn’t see what harm there could be in such a small change. 

On his way to work, he grabs his usual selection of croissants and pastries, as well as coffee for Cassie and David. The bookshop is small, and it never has that many customers. On his good days, Adam sometimes wonders how Cassie manages to keep it afloat. At least it’s a job, and one where it doesn’t matter that he sometimes can’t come in. He’s aware that Cassie hired him out of pity and sympathy, but he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t see why he should.

He hands a coffee to David, laughs when he gets called “My hero,” and settles to do his usual filing of new books and reorganizing of others. It’s tedious, and a little boring, but Adam knows that before long Cassie will be leaving them alone and the filing will be forgotten until tomorrow. Cassie knows they’ll stop working as soon as she walks out, and they know that she knows. But they all pretend that they don’t. 

Or at least that’s what Adam’s expecting to happen. Instead, around ten, he starts feeling dizzy. It’s just bad enough to be annoying, and for Cassie to realize that something is wrong and ask, “Adam, are you okay? Did you take your meds?”

Adam is annoyed by the question until he reminds himself that the only reason Cassie acts all mother-hen is because she worries about him. Maybe that’s why he replies, “I’m not sure. I think maybe I forgot them last night.”

For a second he spies something on Cassie’s face, so far from her usual kind expression, but it’s gone before he can wonder. 

“Maybe you should go home,” she says, gently. “I don’t want you collapsing on my watch. And don’t forget your meds tomorrow, okay?”

“Of course,” Adam nods.

It feels strange to have that much time to waste in the middle of the day. He knows he should listen to Cassie and go back home. Instead he finds himself wandering without any real purpose, the dizziness gone as soon as he stepped out of the bookshop. 

Adam keeps walking, curious to see where his steps will lead him. They neighborhood is strangely familiar, and not just because he crosses through it every day when he goes to work. When he walks through it in the morning or evening, he never notices the details. Now he does, in a “this is where we used to…” kind of way, but he has no idea who _we_ even are, or what it is that they used to do. 

When Adam stops, he’s in front of a music store, the kind where they sell both CDs and instruments, and where they give music lessons as well. Music isn’t something Adam really cares about, yet the sight of the store brings a smile to his lips. Maybe he enjoyed music, before. Maybe he even came here.

Adam hesitates. Then he remembers everything he’s been told about how getting back to his routine, going back to his familiar hang-outs might help bring back his memories. Up until now, it hasn’t really worked, but he’s willing to give it a try. 

The place feels familiar, but there’s also something about it that’s just a little off, though Adam couldn’t say exactly what. He’s a couple of steps into the store when a small girl carrying a pile of discs as high as herself exclaims, “Adam? I haven’t seen you in forever! I’m a little busy now, but we need to catch up soon, okay? Tommy’s in the back if you’re looking for him.”

With that, she’s gone, leaving Adam to wonder how someone who obviously works here can recognize him. This is definitely not one of the place where his friends brought him when the doc said that familiar ground could be helpful. 

Without thinking further, Adam makes his way in the direction the girl pointed. He walks through row of instruments to where a small blond guy is tuning a guitar. 

Adam stops to watch him, and right before the guy looks up, Adam has a flash of him on a stage, playing that guitar, headbanging and singing along. 

The vision is gone as fast as it appeared, and Adam’s left with the guy staring at him as if he’s seen a ghost. 

Tommy tightens his grip on his guitar, as if he’s worried he’s going to let it fall if he doesn’t, and says, “Adam?”

Adam nods, trying his hardest to understand what’s happening. “You’re… Tommy, right?”

The name fits, and not just because it’s the one the girl gave to Adam. It’s the kind of things that feels right when everything else seems wrong.

There’s a second when it looks like Tommy’s about to smile. Instead, his whole face closes off. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Adam takes a step back. There’s so much aggressiveness coming off Tommy that it scares him, but not enough to make him leave. Tommy’s attitude is proof that they do know each other, and Adam thinks it would be good for him to get an image of who he was before that doesn’t come from any of his current friends… who haven’t been really helpful, now that he thinks about it. 

“Tommy—” Adam tries to say.

Tommy interrupts him before he can say one more word. “Why are you here? You think you can reappear after six months like everything’s fine?”

“I didn’t mean…”

“I worried myself sick about you! But you never even tried to contact me… to contact any of us. Did it ever matter to you?”

The only thing that Adam understands is that Tommy’s hurt, so badly that he’s lashing out. Other than that, not much of what he’s saying makes sense. 

Instead of asking, though, Adam simply says, “Something bad happened. I barely made it through. And my memory still isn’t that great.”

It’s enough to stop whatever Tommy was about to say next. It seems like there’s something else happening, too, but Adam can’t figure out what it is. 

Tommy looks at him, biting his lip, and takes a step closer. “Can I ask what happened?”

Adam hesitates for a second, pretty sure that this is the kind of thing that could get him in trouble. As soon as that thought flies through his head, though, he wonders. How could something bad come from talking to someone who seems to know him?

“If I can ask you a couple of questions too. But not here.”

Tommy nods. “There’s a little café across the street; it’s not too busy. We’d be able to talk. If you can wait, maybe an hour? I should be able to take a break.”

“Okay,” Adam agrees with a smile. “I’ll just… wander around.”

Tommy snickers like it’s some kind of inside joke. There’s sadness in his eyes when he realizes that Adam doesn’t get it, and his voice is soft as he says, “Sure. That works.”

When Tommy goes back to his guitar, Adam looks through the store, startled at how many bands, how many singers seem familiar. He can name titles, musicians, and he realizes with surprise that he can even hum a few bars of many of the songs. Which doesn’t make sense because he never cared about music. Or did he?

Still he listens to some, and he’s surprised to discover the feelings they evoke in him. He feels peaceful in a way he hasn’t in a long time, as if he’s just rediscovered a long lost friend. 

As promised, an hour later, Tommy gets his break and they make their way across the street to the small café. They grab their drinks – once again, Adam goes for tea instead of coffee, but Tommy only smiles as if he’s used to that – and Tommy points to a table near the window. 

Adam shakes his head and guides Tommy toward a table near the counter, one that can’t be seen from the window. 

Tommy follows him, but still asks, “You don’t wanna be seen with me?”

Adam shrugs. “I have a feeling some of my friends would think it’s a bad thing.”

He can feel Tommy staring at him curiously as he sits and looks down at his cup. So many things seem like they don’t fit into place since he woke up this morning. It’s like he doesn’t know which way is up and down anymore. 

Before Tommy can say anything, Adam asks, “Why were you angry? I’ll answer your questions afterward. I just need to know why.”

Tommy looks away from Adam, bangs falling into his eyes, and he replies, quietly, “You know why.”

Adam shakes his head then realizes Tommy still isn’t looking at him. “No. I told you, my memory’s pretty bad. I probably should know, but I don’t remember.”

“Because you promised me.” There’s a hint of a sad smile on Tommy’s face. “You both promised that if you wanted out, you would tell me and make me forget. That you wouldn’t disappear out the blue the way you did.”

Adam frowns as he wonders who they both are, but before he can ask, Tommy says, “It’s been six months, Adam. Six months without a way of getting a hold of you or Brian. We were all worried out of our minds. And I couldn’t… I couldn’t feel you anymore.”

“Feel me?” Adam repeats, completely lost, but Tommy doesn’t seem to notice.

“That connection between us, the way I always know if you’re in trouble or, or…” Tommy tightens his grip on his cup, but not fast enough that Adam doesn’t notice his fingers are trembling. “I know shit got bad for you – I woke up in the middle of the night, screaming because of the fear and the pain – but the next morning, you weren’t there anymore. Like you’d evaporated, or something.”

“That’s… impossible, for you to feel me like that,” Adam objects, because what Tommy’s saying doesn’t make sense. 

Tommy shrugs, and he curls in on himself, shoulders hunching as he stares at his cup. “It should be. But it’s been this way since you saved my life.”

The next couple of words are lost on Adam. He closes his eyes against the intensifying headache. Saved Tommy’s life? No, he didn’t save his life, he…

***

They’ve been off the stage for a couple of minutes when Ashley enters the dressing room, asking, “Have you seen Tommy?”

“Wasn’t he with you?” Adam replies. He’s barely paying attention, focusing instead on what’s next. The first set wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great, either. Something was off, but Adam can’t put his finger on it.

“Yes, he was, but I can’t find him. And those guys who give me the creeps? I’m pretty sure they’re around. So excuse me if I’m a little worried.”

Ashley doesn’t need to say that she’s worrying; Adam can feel it all over her. He turns toward her, glancing at Brian who’s sitting on the couch, on the other side of the room. “What makes you say that?”

“I have a bad feeling. And I’ve been around both of you long enough that I know better than to ignore it.”

Adam can’t help but think that she’s wrong. Even _they_ wouldn’t be stupid enough to step on his and Brian’s territory and take away what’s theirs. At least, he hopes so.

He’s about to say it’s impossible when Brian crosses the room.

“It won’t hurt to check.”

Although he’s surprised, Adam tries not to let it show. He sits as Brian stands beside him, one hand on Adam’s shoulder to shield him. It shouldn’t be necessary – it won’t be if Adam’s right – but they can’t take any risks. 

Adam closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He waits until Brian’s grip tightens on his shoulder, then he opens his mind, just enough to feel the energy in the rest of the bar. 

As soon as he does, he’s hit with a wave of nausea. There’s energy flying in the air, everywhere around them, so bright and so pure it makes him sick. 

The pain bends him in half, and he barely feels Brian grabbing both of his shoulders and forcing him to close his mind and come back. 

There’s a line of sweat on Adam’s forehead and tears in his eyes when he’s finally able to sit up and look at Brian and Ashley. 

“What the fuck was that?” Brian asks. 

“I’m lucky you were there. Ashley’s right. They’re not just around. They’re using spells.”

Adam’s still trembling from the wave of energy that hit him earlier. There’s a few seconds of silence while he tries to get himself back under control. 

Ashley takes a step toward him. “What does that mean?”

“That we have to find Tommy before trouble finds him. Stick with Brian, okay? I don’t want them to get near you, either.”

“What about Rick?”

Brian shakes his head. “I’ve known him for years. It’s not the first time he’s seen it happen. He’ll be okay.”

Ashley frowns, but she doesn’t ask anything more, and Adam sighs in relief. There is a limit to what he and Brian can tell the others, and they really don’t have time for that kind of explanation now.

Right before he steps out of the dressing room, Brian grabs his arm. “Be careful. Don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

“I won’t pick a fight, I promise. I’m just trying to find Tommy.”

When he gets back to the dance floor, he can feel the energy without even trying, sticking to his tongue and choking him. Shivers climb up his spine. What the hell is happening?

Near the bar, he spots a flash of blond hair, along with someone who makes Adam want to run in the other direction. He pushes through the disgust and fear that comes to him on instinct and keeps walking, only to realize that said person has an arm around Tommy’s shoulders. 

Right before he can touch either of them, a pretty face looks up at him. “He’s yours, I think, isn’t he? Or should I say, he was.”

Adam can’t risk touching them, not without Brian by his side. He’s powerless as they push Tommy toward him and Tommy collapses into his arms like a ragdoll.

Adam watches them walk away, memorizing every detail of their faces, before he turns all of his attention to Tommy. 

“Tommy, can you hear me?”

The only reply Adam gets is a mumble. No words and Tommy’s eyes are glassy, as if he’s not really there. 

It takes him a second to search and find Brian’s presence at the edge of his mind. _I have him. We’re in trouble._

Then he brings Tommy back to the dressing room, and he waits. He barely dares to touch Tommy, can’t bring himself to actually look and figure out what’s wrong. In part because he’s scared of what he will find, but also because he’s aware that, whatever the spell is, it could latch onto him since he still doesn’t have a strong enough shield. 

He doesn’t hear the others enter, and only becomes aware of them when Ashley kneels by Tommy’s side, next to the couch, and reaches for his hand. “What happened to him?”

“Don’t touch him!” Brian snaps behind her, and while she looks hurt, it’s enough to make her take her hand away.

“It’s a spell, Ash,” Adam explains. “If you touch him, it could take hold of you, too.”

She nods as she looks from him to Brian and back to him. “But you can help him, right?”

Adam hesitates before saying, “Once we figure out what spell it is, we might be able to, but… we don’t have healing powers. No idea if it’s something we can help with.”

“I don’t know,” Rick says, looking at Brian, “but it looks a lot like what they did to me, way back when.”

Brian stares at Tommy for a few seconds. “A purifying spell. Fuck. I think you’re right.”

“A purifying…”Ashley repeats, frowning. “Isn’t that kind of spell supposed to be good?”

Adam shakes his head. “Not really. It can have a good result when it’s performed on a child, or on a really pure soul. On an adult, it erases big parts of their personality.”

“Besides,” Brian says, “You guys have been around us for long enough that if we let the spell runs its course and take away all the darkness? There’ll be nothing left of him.”

“You need to do something,” Ashley orders, glaring from one of them to the other.

“I’m not sure we can,” Adam tries to say.

Rick interrupts him, “Or you could do what Brian did for me.”

Adam looks at Brian, confused. He doesn’t know this part of the story.

“I tied myself to a part of his soul, and gave him just enough darkness to make the spell disappear. Only reason why I did it,” Brian says as he turns toward Rick, “Was for your girls. I’m not sure I’d do it again. You know why.”

“I don’t care what you do,” Ashley says before Adam can ask any more questions, “but it needs to be done fast. He’s really not doing well.”

That takes Adam’s attention back to Tommy. There’s a fine line of sweat on Tommy’s forehead and his eyes are wide open, but he’s clearly not seeing anything. Adam still doesn’t dare touch him, but he can’t let him fade away like that. 

Before he can say or do anything, Brian’s standing by his side and says, quiet enough that only Adam can hear him, “You can’t do that.”

In the same way, Adam replies, “I’m not letting him die because of me.”

“He won’t die.”

“You know what I mean, Bri. He got caught in the crossfire. They wanted to hurt us. It’s my fault.”

Brian puts his hand on Adam’s shoulder. “It’s permanent, Adam. It can’t be undone. He’ll always know where you are and how you’re doing. You may think it doesn’t matter now, but if he decides that it’s too much for him, or that he wants out… that gives him a really easy way to hurt you.”

“It’s Tommy. He’d never do that.”

“You don’t know that.”

Adam nods. He knows Brian is right, and yet, he can’t help but feel guilty. There’s nobody to blame but himself, and his selfishness. “If I decide to do it anyway,” he asks, “Will you shield me?”

Brian moves his hand to the back of Adam’s neck. “You know I could forbid you to do it.”

Adam shivers. He can’t bring his head up, he can’t look at Brian, but he forces himself to say, “If you want to destroy everything between us, then yes, you could.”

He hears Brian sigh. “I’m just trying to keep my promise and protect you.”

“Maybe this time I don’t need you to protect me. Except in the way I’m asking you to.”

There is no reply. Adam lets his own words hang in the air for a moment, then he asks, slow and careful, “Do you really want to lose him?”

Adam holds his breath for the couple of seconds it takes for Brian to lift his hand off Adam’s neck and place it back on Adam’s shoulder. 

“Thank you,” Adam whispers. 

“If it’s another kind of spell, you don’t try anything, you hear me?”

Adam nods, because he can’t bring himself to make the promise Brian wants to hear. Even if they’re wrong about the spell that was used on Tommy, he can’t say he won’t do anything. They’re so far from the time when they saw the band as a means to an end. And Adam knows that, even if Brian won’t admit it, he’s just as worried as Adam. 

Adam recognizes the spell as soon as he creates the link with Tommy. Everything is suddenly too bright, too pure, giving him a headache and making him want to run away. The only reason the purifying spell isn’t latching onto him is that Brian’s shielding him. 

His own shield still isn’t strong enough, which is why he gets a headache, but he’s not backing off now. He can’t. 

There is light, bright and pure enough to hurt, and gray everywhere else, the gray that Adam’s learned to know and love. The gray that is typical of humans, of all their contradictions and dilemmas, of all the compromises they make between what they believe in and their everyday lives. 

And there are flashes of color here and there, bright red and soft blue, that are all Tommy. Hint of blond hair falling over brown eyes. 

It’s the music that catches Adam’s attention, sweet, sometimes violent, always tender. It’s the only part of Tommy’s soul on which he can get a grasp – everywhere else is closed off because Tommy doesn’t want this. Tommy isn’t even aware it’s happening, but Adam can’t let that stop him – so he grabs onto it, onto the living, moving notes that wind higher and higher. 

He weaves his own spell over it, until he can hear, mixed with the wailing of the guitar, his own voice, just a soft humming that nobody else would notice. 

As soon as he’s done, he lets himself fade back to his own body. Right before he does, he thinks maybe he can also hear a gentle piano note. But that’s impossible.

Adam opens his eyes with a soft sigh. He can’t help but smile when he sees that Tommy seems to be sleeping, eyes closed, with a hint of a smile on his lips. 

“You were right,” Adam says to Rick. “It was a purifying spell. But he should be okay now.”

***

“Hey, you okay?”

It takes Adam a second to come back to reality, and when he does, it’s to say, “I didn’t save your life, Tommy, I…”

Tommy interrupts him before he can finish. “Yes, as far as I’m concerned, you did. It doesn’t matter how you did it. If you hadn’t done a thing? I wouldn’t be here. Or if I was, I would be nothing but a shell of myself.”

Adam doesn’t have an answer to that. He can’t help but feel that what he did to Tommy was much worse than death. 

“It’s my life, remember?” Tommy says. “If I say you saved me, then you did. Now, will you tell me what happened to you?”

Adam hesitates for a second. The story is already on the tip of his tongue, but he can’t help but wonder. For the first time in months, after what he’s just seen, he’s questioning it. 

“I will tell you what I was told,” he says finally, deciding that there is no other way but to take the plunge and see what happens. “But I have a feeling that some of the things I was told might not be the exact truth.”

“Go ahead. We’ll see.”

Adam frowns as he tries to make some sense out of the mess of his thoughts. He’s heard this story so many times, but now that he has to tell it to someone who doesn’t already know, he has no idea where to start.

It’s only when Tommy grasps one of Adam’s hands that Adam realizes that his own fingers are trembling. He takes a long, shaking breath, trying his hardest to tamp down the panic bubbling up in his throat. 

“It’s okay,” Tommy whispers, all soft and coaxing. “Just tell me what they told you.”

“They told me I was in a car accident,” Adam says after a couple of seconds of silence. He keeps talking, as fast as he can, as if he’s going to lose his voice if he even thinks of stopping. “That it screwed up my back, and my memories. I’ve been trying return to normal ever since, but it’s not… working that well for me.”

“Return to normal?” Tommy repeats, as if the words don’t make sense.

“You know,” Adam shrugs. “Having a job and a good relationship with my boyfriend, and getting to the point where my friends don’t feel like they have to constantly mother-hen me.”

Tommy stares at Adam as if he’s seeing him for the first time. “What you just said would make a lot of sense. If you… if you were human.”

For a second it feels like Tommy meant to say something completely different, but Adam can’t ask him about it when all he wants to do is to laugh at what Tommy said. Yet he can’t. It seems to wake something in him, something he’s scared to examine too closely. 

“I’m not?” Even as he says the words, they gain a certainty that denies the question he wanted to ask. “I’m not.”

“You really don’t remember anything?” There is so much misery in Tommy’s voice that Adam can feel his hurt deep inside, but when Tommy looks at him, his face reveals nothing.

Adam shakes his head. “Nothing beyond what they told me. And this… this is really not something they told me.”

Slowly, Tommy releases Adam’s hand and asks, as if he has a hard time getting the words out, “Who are they?”

Once again the automatic reply that Adam would have given a week ago doesn’t seem to make much sense. So he hesitates as he tries to figure out a way to answer. 

When he does, he surprises himself with what he says. “He says he’s my boyfriend.”

Tommy blinks as if he can’t quite believe it, then he seems a little angry when he asks, “What’s his name?”

“Scott.”

Tommy’s eyebrows go up even higher as Adam’s reply seems to leave him speechless.

“From the look on your face,” Adam says, “it’s not what you were expecting.”

“I have no idea who that guy is. I’m used to…” Tommy starts, before interrupting himself with, “Fuck, why is this so hard?”

Adam stares at him, surprised, and hesitates before he says, “I’m sorry?”

Tommy shrugs and looks away. “Not your fault. I have no idea what they did to you, but it’s making every word feel like pulling teeth.”

“Can’t you just… tell me?”

“I’m trying,” Tommy snaps, before looking down at the table. “Sorry. There’s something stopping me from telling you want I want to tell you. I can’t explain it better.”

It takes a few seconds for Adam to realize that Tommy won’t be able to say anything more unless Adam asks the right questions.

“So in your memories,” he tries, “Scott isn’t my boyfriend.”

Tommy shakes his head and lets out a little sad laugh. “I don’t know Scott. In my memories, you don’t have a boyfriend.”

“I don’t?” Adam repeats, a little lost. While he can’t remember a thing, he could practically feel the lie as Tommy told it. 

Tommy looks at him through his bangs and gives him a soft smile. “You have…” Once again Tommy hesitates, and Adam knows that this time, there is no spell, nothing stopping Tommy but himself. There’s something Tommy really doesn’t want to tell him. “You have Brian. But never in a hundred years would you call him your boyfriend.”

“Why not?”

“He’s your Shield. You always said it meant more than any of our words could explain.”

The feeling from earlier comes back, giving Adam a bit of a headache, and he releases Tommy’s hand in the hope of keeping the memory at bay. It doesn’t work.

***

The aftermath of the spell hits Adam like a ton of bricks. The remnants of magic always seem to cling to his skin for days afterward, leaving the taste of ashes in his mouth. But it’s never been this bad. 

He’s lucky to have made it home. As soon as he crosses the threshold, he collapses to his knees as air comes out of his lungs in a rush. 

He rests his hands on the floor as he tries his hardest to find his center again. He can feel the energy running under his skin, wild and uncontrollable, hitting him in all the wrong ways. 

He always has a hard time dealing with this and he always hates himself a little for it. He can’t help but think that it should be getting easier as time passes, that he should be better at controlling it.

Which is why it takes things getting this bad and the aftereffects nearly knocking him off his feet for Adam to accept help. He knows it would be easier if he’d let Brian in from the start and didn’t wait until the feedback got so terrible that all of his defenses collapsed at the same time, leaving him helpless and defeated.

He’s aware that it’s only his damn pride standing between him and the help he needs, but he can’t do anything about it. Admitting that, even after all that time, it doesn’t get any easier would ask just a little too much from him. It makes him feel weak, and worthless in a way he thought he’d left behind when he met Brian. 

Still, it takes him pushing himself this far before he can accept the comfort of Brian’s arms. Adam can barely move, so Brian stays with him on the floor, holding him close and tight until Adam can get his breathing under control. 

It’s only then, when Adam finally stops shivering, that Brian lays a hand on the back of Adam’s neck, and asks, softly, “Let me in?”

Adam nods because that’s all he can do. Tears aren’t far away, and the feeling of having his whole world turned upside down won’t disappear until he accepts some help.

His breath catches in his throat when he feels Brian’s energy surround him, forcing him deeper inside himself as the remnants of magic cling to Brian. Adam knows that the energy will fade now and leave nothing behind, just a little memory that he can deal with. 

The tears still aren’t far, hiding at the corner of his eyes, so close that Adam can’t protest when Brian says, “Off to bed with you. Come on,” and guides him to bed. Adam lies on his side, curling in on himself, his back to Brian. 

It’s nothing, really, just Brian’s hand splayed on Adam’s back, but it’s enough to stop Adam from holding back the tears and they finally fall free as he lets out a sobbing breath. 

Not a word is spoken as Adam shakes out his tears and fear and everything that takes hold of him to the point of choking him every fucking time he uses magic. He finds it frustrating enough that he can’t help but say, “It should be getting easier, not harder.”

“You’re still very young,” Brian reminds him. “It will happen in its own time.”

Normally, Brian’s reassurance would be enough to get Adam off the ledge, but this time he rolls onto his back and replies, “Did you listen to me? It’s not just a case of the magic hitting me hard, Bri. It’s hitting me harder every time.”

“I know.” 

The easy answer makes Adam’s widen his eyes, but he can’t find anything to say to that.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, Brian explains, “Your soul is still fighting the magic. Don’t ask me why. I have no idea. The reason is different for everybody. Unless something changes in a big way about your deep, intimate self, which would be surprising, I’m sorry but it won’t get any easier.”

“Isn’t there any way…” Adam can’t finish.

Brian interrupts him. “There is a way. Every time I try to explain it to you, you refuse to listen. I’m not going to force you.”

Adam grinds his teeth, tension showing over his whole body. “I can’t be that weak.” 

Gently, Brian traces circles over Adam’s chest, a barely there caress until Adam lets go again, his body deflating like a balloon losing air. “It doesn’t mean that you’re weak. It just means that you’re more sensitive to magic.”

Adam sighs. “That’s what it feels like. Don’t you get it? Like I’m not strong enough, not…” Good enough, he wants to say, but he holds the words in. He knows they’re a leftover from the life he had before, from the way he used to think of himself. Sometimes, though, those insecurities surface again, and Adam can’t stop them. 

“It has nothing to do with your strength,” Brian reminds him. “Those spells that leave you in such a bad state after using them? You’re still better at performing them than I’ll ever be. And I’ve had hundreds of years of practice. That feedback you’re getting? It’s just the other side of that.”

“It can’t be that simple,” Adam argues, but the pressure of Brian’s hand on his body stops him before he can get any further. 

“It is. My defenses are stronger than yours, I’m not gonna lie about that. But it also means I have a harder time accessing magic of any kind.”

Adam’s breath catches in his throat as he stares at Brian. “You never told me that.”

“You never let me,” Brian replies, so softly that even though it’s a rebuke, it doesn’t sting as badly as it could.

Adam doesn’t have an answer to that. It sounds so simple, so easy, yet he’s painfully aware that it would mean so much more than just protecting him from his own magic. He’s heard of Shields, the good and the bad, because even though he hasn’t been around as long as Brian, he listens, and listens well, when people talk around him. Especially when he has a feeling that it’s a conversation he’s not supposed to hear. 

What he’s heard has always been enough to scare him and make him cut short any conversation about that possibility. 

Everything he’s heard is still overwhelming his mind as he says, “I’m not sure I could give anyone that much control over me. Even you.”

Brian stares at him for the longest time before he replies, “It doesn’t have to be anything more than what we want it to be. Don’t make a decision now, just think about it. Will you?”

Slowly, Adam nods, aware that even if Brian doesn’t ask again, he won’t be able to stop thinking about it. About what it would mean and how it could help.

***

When Adam focuses on Tommy again, Tommy’s looking at him with a curious smile on his face. 

“Where do you go when you zone out like that?” Tommy asks.

“Memories. I get my memories back.”

For a second there’s something on Tommy’s face, something that looks a lot like fear. But it’s gone before Adam can question it. 

Tommy doesn’t leave him a chance to ask anything. “What did you see?”

“The moment when Brian told me why my magic wasn’t as strong as it could be. And the one when I… when I saved your life, I guess.”

Tommy grabs Adam’s hand again. “Did you listen to me? If I say you did, then yes, you did.”

Adam can only smile at that outburst, and he whispers, “Thank you.”

Tommy stares at him, surprised. “Why are you thanking me?”

“There aren’t many people in my life who seem willing to help me remember. They all act like I’m better off not knowing.”

“Or like they don’t want you to know,” Tommy adds, and Adam nods. “I’ll help you remember, Adam. I promise.”

Without thinking, Adam brings Tommy’s hand to his mouth and kisses Tommy’s fingers. He feels a little burst of pride at the shiver that runs through Tommy, a hint of possessiveness that seems out of place yet is so familiar. 

However, the silence that falls upon them is heavy as Adam can feel Tommy’s discomfort clinging to the air. Reluctantly, he lets go of Tommy’s fingers.

“Was that out of line?”

“It was…” Tommy stares down at the table as he searches for the right word. “It was a little unsettling.”

Then, before Adam has the time to say anything else, Tommy looks at him as if the last few seconds never happened. 

“You should come to our rehearsal tomorrow,” he suggests with a soft smile. “Well, it might not be much of a rehearsal because we still haven’t replaced you or Brian but… it’s nice to hang out and jam. Ash would be really happy to see you. Rick, too, I think.”

“Rehearsal?” Adam repeats, uncertain. The word is waking something up at the back of his brain, but nothing clear, just a hint of a memory.

He can’t miss the pain in Tommy’s eyes as Tommy says, “Our band?” Like it shouldn’t be a question. 

Adam has a feeling that he should remember, yet all he can come up with is, “I’ve never been that fond of music.”

Tommy stares at Adam then barks out a laugh. “What the hell did they do to you? Your signature is music.”

“My what?”

Tommy lowers his gaze to the table again, but it doesn’t stop Adam from noticing the way Tommy’s fingers are shaking as he tightens his grip around his cup.

“Your signature,” Tommy repeats, in that kind of low, careful voice that lets Adam know the effort Tommy’s making to stay calm. “The one thing that allows the people closest to you to recognize you when they can feel nothing but your energy. It’s your voice, singing. Humming, actually.”

Adam wants to ask how Tommy knows that, but he has a feeling the question wouldn’t be welcome. Instead, he says, “I’m… not sure I would be comfortable coming to your rehearsal, but I can join you after. Tell me when and where it is?”

Tommy smiles then, one of first real smiles Adam has seen on him since Adam saw him in the music store. And Adam can’t help but think that he wants to see that smile more often. 

***

That night, right before he goes to sleep, Adam finds himself sitting on his bed, pills in the palm of his hand. Tommy’s words keep going around in his head. _What the hell did they do to you?_

Instead of taking the pills, he keeps staring at them as if taking them will make him forget everything Tommy’s told him.

And he has to remember. He needs to remember. He needs to go to that rehearsal tomorrow and maybe, just maybe, get a couple more answers. 

But he also has to make it through the day first, and he knows that after today they will all be asking if he took his damn meds. 

While he’s still hesitating, he feels a hand on his shoulder, a gentle stroke on the back of his neck. _Don’t do that. It will make you forget again._

Adam can’t help but look around. He’s still alone, just like he was a couple of seconds ago, but the firm pressure on his neck doesn’t go away. If he closes his eyes, he can even feel someone here with him. 

Slowly, Adam closes his fingers around the pills and crushes them in his fist. Eyes still closed, he shivers when he feels a loving kiss on his hair. _Good boy._

When he opens his eyes, he’s still alone. But he also feels more peaceful than he has in months. 

***

The second day without meds is a little easier. It leaves Adam a little off-balance, but not enough that anyone would realize it. 

The biggest difference is that now the routine at the bookstore leaves him as lost as the one he has at home. As if he’s living a life that wasn’t meant for him, but that he has to fit into anyway. 

The day drags on and on. Every little thing that normally helps Adam feel a little more grounded is now grating on his nerves in the worst way. Everything around him, including the bookstore itself, seems fake, out of place. 

He still makes it through the day without raising too many eyebrows or getting too many questions, so he thinks he didn’t do too badly. Still, he’s glad when he can finally leave the bookstore, grab a quick dinner and head to the address Tommy gave him. 

He arrives a little earlier than he said he would, just so he can hear them. As Tommy said, they’re not a complete band anymore. There’s just Ashley on bass, Tommy on guitar and Rick on the drums, and they are jamming more than rehearsing, but Adam smiles when he sees the joy written all over Tommy’s body. 

The song sounds oddly familiar, as if he heard it a long time ago but not since.

***

“Tell me again why you brought me here?”

The bar is the kind of scene that Adam still has a strange fondness for, in big part because his human life isn’t that far behind him. He’s aware that Brian, however, avoids them as much as he can. It usually takes no more than a few minutes before the mix of feverish thoughts and energy gives Brian a headache.

The music, Adam realizes, is a shield that lets Brian hide in plain view. It blocks everything that would otherwise hurt him because he’s so far from human now that feeling all those emotions and being unable to feed from them is torture to him. 

“The band’s up next then we’re out of here,” Adam promises. “You’ll understand why.”

They’re standing in the back of the bar, far away from the people crowding the dance floor, yet Adam can feel the unease coming off Brian in waves.

Brian quirks an eyebrow but doesn’t get a chance to say a thing as the reason why Adam insisted and sweet-talked and coaxed him into going out tonight walks on stage. 

Once again, as he watches, Adam can’t help but think that while the band’s current singer and keyboardist are good, he and Brian would be so much better. 

Adam waits and hopes, finally allowing himself a small smile when Brian goes beyond listening to the music and starts paying attention to the way the musicians play. He smiles even wider, hiding it behind his hand, when Brian’s gaze settles on the guitarist, just as his did the first time he watched and heard the band play. 

He knows exactly what Brian is seeing, what he’s noticing. A shock of bright blond hair falling over brown eyes. A light frame moving along to the music, as if caught under a spell. The boy is pretty, but what they can see goes beyond pretty. How responsive he would be, the way he would move and whimper and beg…

There’s a second when Brian looks back at Adam, gesturing toward the guitarist, and Adam shakes his head. He wouldn’t have made such an effort if this was just about picking up a pretty new toy. Even though the idea is tempting, they have enough trouble as it is, and tonight is about the music. 

For the rest of the set, Adam loses himself in the music and lets himself enjoy it. He doesn’t recognize all of the songs but he hums them under his breath. He can’t help it. Music was and is always the thing that makes him feel alive. That’s hasn’t changed, no matter how much he has. 

When the band steps off the stage, Brian bends toward Adam and whispers in his ear, “Anything else you want me to see?”

Adam shakes his head. “We can go.”

After they leave the bar, Adam waits until the cold air brings him peace again, until he can feel the tension seeping out of Brian with every step they take into the empty night.

“What do you think?”

“They’re good,” Brian replies. “Talented. I still have no fucking clue why you wanted me to hear them, though.”

“Talented enough that it would be interesting to play with them?” Adam asks, aware that he’s treading on thin ice, but it’s the reason why he kept going back whenever they were playing, why he had to bring Brian to hear them. 

Instead of the reaction Adam was hoping for, Brian only gives him a small smile, the kind that lets Adam know that Brian is barely humoring him. “They already have a keyboardist and a singer, you know.”

“Maybe not for long. Maybe they’ll be looking for new ones soon.”

Brian snorts and glances at Adam. “With absolutely no help from you, right?”He shakes his head. “Why?”

“Why not?” Adam says, louder than he meant to. “They’re talented enough that they deserve to have their little band go somewhere, and you and I get to make music again. Everybody wins.”

“Don’t you think we have enough problems as it is? They’re just human.”

“All we need is a little bit of glamor, and they won’t suspect a thing.” The magic of the night is lost on Adam as he keeps arguing, “Besides, our problems, as you put it, wouldn’t be interested in a bunch of humans. As long as we don’t get attached to them, we’re good.”

Silence weighs heavily between them the rest of the way. Just as they reach their place, Brian turns toward Adam, and asks, “Why?”

“Because it’s worth it.”When that doesn’t get a reaction, Adam sighs and adds, barely above a whisper, “Because I miss it.”

There’s a gentle hand on the back of his neck and a, “You should have said that from the start,” as Brian pulls him down to kiss him. It barely lasts a second, sweet and tender, but Adam shivers. 

He smiles as they separate. To him, music will always be worth it. Besides, he can’t see how playing again could get them into more trouble than they already are. It’s not like they’re likely to get attached to a bunch of humans. 

***

When Adam comes back to reality, the song has changed, and this one he can recognize without even trying. He’s not sure he could name it per se, but as soon as they start playing, he’s humming under his breath. He knows the rhythm and the notes, he realizes, surprised, and he even knows some of the words, the way they ought to be sung. 

He lets the words come to him when they want to, and without even thinking about it, he sings for real. He thinks he’s still inconspicuous, but apparently not enough because his singing makes Ashley miss a note, stop playing and look right where he’s standing. “Adam?”

They’re standing frozen into place as if they’ve seen a ghost, except for Tommy who has a small, satisfied smile on his face. As if he was expecting Adam not to be able to resist as soon as he heard them play, and well, Adam has to admit that Tommy was right. 

“I told you he would be coming,” Tommy says, and shakes his head. “But you didn’t believe me.”

“It’s not that we didn’t believe you, Tommy.” Ashley runs a hand through her hair, clearly a little annoyed. “But you’ve been saying that for months.”

“So we had no idea if it was just more wishful thinking,” Rick says, standing up behind his drums, “Or if you were serious.”

“Apparently you were,” Ashley adds as she walks toward Adam. “You look good.”

Adam can’t help but feel that there’s a trap in her words that he can’t see. Yet he replies, “I’m mostly okay, I think.”

“Good.” Ashley’s face hardens and he whole demeanor changes. “Then why did you think it was good idea to disappear like that? We were all worried out of our minds!”

“His memory is shot to hell, Ash,” Tommy says. “The only reason I found him is that he randomly walked into The Beat. He didn’t even remember Brian.”

For a second they all stare at Adam, speechless. Then Rick says, “That must be some wicked kind of spell. What did they do to you?”

“I have no idea.” 

What confuses Adam the most is that they all seem so sure that _someone_ did this to him. That it couldn’t have been as simple as he’s been told, just an accident. That someone took him away from the people he cared about and who cared about him. That someone stole his memories to keep him where they wanted him to be.

“Only way to figure that out is to find out who did this, right?” Ashley suggests.

“Ash, no.”

“Ash, it’s too dangerous.”

Ashley seems as surprised as Adam upon hearing Tommy and Rick talk over each other. 

“Why not? They don’t know my face, and they can’t recognize me without it.”

“That didn’t stop them with me,” Tommy reminds her.

“Oh please, Tommy. Even before the others attacked you, you had Adam and Brian’s energy all over you all the time. That’s how they found you. It won’t happen with me.”

There’s a lot that doesn’t make sense to Adam in what Ashley just said, but he’s not about to ask. Not when he can feel the fear coming off Tommy in waves, even stronger than when they were talking in the café. 

He’s aware that mentioning it when he can see how hard Tommy’s trying to hide it won’t go well, so he only asks, “What did you have in mind?”

“Take me where you live. If it’s the wrong ones, I’ll feel them all over the place.”

Adam nods. “I should take you to my job, too.” Then he smiles a little and asks, amused, “The wrong ones?”

Ashley laughs a little at that, and it makes Tommy grin before Rick explains, “That’s what my daughters called them when they were kids, and the name stuck. Because they are technically the good guys, but we’ve been around you and Brian long enough that they’re the one who feel wrong to us.”

Adam smile widens because it does make sense, in a very strange kind of way. 

***

Later in the evening, Adam goes out with Ashley. First he guides her to the bookstore where he’s been working for the last six months since it’s the closest. It’s one of the places he’s the most familiar with, and he could find his way there with his eyes closed. So he’s completely lost when he finds himself, in front of an abandoned building, instead of the bookstore he expected. 

“Why did we stop here?” Ashley wrinkles her nose. “Forget it, I know why we stopped. This place stinks of them like crazy!”

“It was here. The bookstore. I’ve been working here the last six months.”

Ashley’s eyebrows go up in surprise. “Wow. Are you sure? From what I know, that would need a very strong spell, not just a little bit of glamor.”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Adam stares at the abandoned building, unsure what his next step should be. “Do you want to see where I’m living?”

“Why not? I’m curious to see if it will feel like this.”

Adam is curious too. So they make their way across the neighborhood to be faced, this time, with an abandoned school. 

Ashley shivers and inches closer to Adam. “The place gives me the creeps.”

She’s not the only one who’s a little scared, but Adam won’t say it out loud, not until he can sort out the jumble of his thoughts. Who the fuck would go to that kind of lengths just to mess with his head?

“And now I have nowhere to go. Great.” He’s thinking out loud more than he’s talking to Ashley.

“But Tommy still has a key to your old place. Didn’t he tell you that?”

Adam frowns. “Why would Tommy have a key?”

“Wait, didn’t he tell you…” Ashley sighs. “Oh, of course he didn’t tell you. Jeez, Tommy!”

Adam waits, and when she doesn’t say anything else, he asks, “He didn’t tell me what?”

“Nothing,” Ashley says, a little too fast.

“From the look on your face, it’s not nothing.”

Ashley looks away from him, embarrassed. “Please, Adam. It’s not my story to tell. Tommy will do it when he’s ready.” Under her breath, so low that Adam barely hears her, she adds, “I hope.”

Since it was obviously not meant for him, Adam acts like he didn’t hear her. It still sends the wheels in his mind into overdrive. He’s aware that there are things Tommy didn’t tell him, things he can’t say and other things he doesn’t want to say, but he’s starting to think that whatever it is that he’s missing is a lot bigger than he first thought. 

Forcing himself to ignore all the questions crowding his mind, instead Adam asks, “You said Tommy has a key. Do you think you can ask him to show me the place?”

Ashley takes her phone out of her pocket and start texting before Adam is done asking. “I’ll tell him to meet us there. I know the way.”

Adam doesn’t even need to look over her shoulder to know that she’s doing exactly what she said: telling, not asking. She doesn’t keep her attention on her phone that long, but Adam knows, from her stiff back, that Tommy’s giving her a hard time.

Finally, she puts her phone back in her pocket and looks at Adam, but her smile seems a little tired at the corners. “He’ll be there.”

They make their way to the apartment. The neighborhood is familiar, in a way that makes Adam’s heart twist in his chest. As if he was coming home but not really, in a way he can’t explain. 

When they finally arrive, Tommy’s already there. It takes mere seconds for Ashley to grab Tommy by the hand and drag him out of the room with a serious, “We need to talk.”

Adam hides a smile behind his hand as they leave him alone to explore the place. He’s left with the strange feeling, every time he sees something, that he should remember it in a way, but he doesn’t. 

In the end, he walks into the living room, where the big windows and the beautiful sunset have created a spot of light on the floor. He stares at it as it stirs something in his memory, something big that he can’t remember. 

As if in a dream, Adam walks into the light left behind by the sunset and sits on the floor. He throws his head back and barely has time to close his eyes before the memory takes over him. 

***

The sun is slowly disappearing behind the buildings, and Adam’s not quite awake yet. He’s in his usual spot in the living room, the one where the light of the sunset will slowly bathe him until he finds himself staring at the moon and stars, ready to start the night. 

He feels more than he hears Brian join him and sit behind him on the couch. He leans into the gentle scratch of fingers in his hair and lets out a happy sigh. 

“Sometimes I wonder if you were a cat in another life,” Brian teases. 

Adam laughs under his breath and is left with a soft smile that he doesn’t want to get rid of. The silence settles between them, like a comfortable blanket that makes him feel safe, protected. 

Adam lets himself be carried away by Brian’s gentle caress until he’s feeling so relaxed that the request he’s been wanting to make for days without knowing how falls from his lips without a second thought. 

“I want to know how it feels.”

He can feel Brian’s hesitation in the stutter of his fingers in Adam’s hair. However, Brian’s voice reveals none of it when he asks, “What are you talking about?”

Aware that if he lets himself hesitate he’ll find a good excuse not to ask again, Adam says, as fast as he can, “The Shield thing. I want to know how it would feel.”

“It was just a suggestion,” Brian reminds him. “I won’t force it on you.”

“But you could,” Adam replies before he can stop himself.

The hand petting his hair stops, then there’s just a little pressure on the back of his head. Adam goes with it until he finds himself with his head resting on Brian’s legs and a finger under his chin forcing him to look at Brian. 

“Who talked to you?”

“No one.”

Brian doesn’t say a thing, but his whole expression says that he believes that Adam’s lying to him again.

“No one talked to me,” Adam repeats, putting more weight into the words. “I’ve just learned to listen when it feels like people don’t want me to hear.”

He waits for the few seconds it takes to make sure that Brian believes him, then he says, “Your turn. Answer me. Please.”

Brian sighs and releases Adam’s head, but Adam only sets his back more comfortably against Brian’s legs. It takes a moment before the hand in his hair starts stroking again.

“Yes, I could,” Brian says just when Adam starts to believe he won’t get an answer. “But I won’t.”

“Why not? It would make everything easier, wouldn’t it?”

As this point Adam’s only repeating what he’s heard. And while he doesn’t really believe a word of it, he needs to hear it from Brian. 

“For who?” Brian asks. “If all I wanted was a slave boy, I wouldn’t have chosen you.”

Adam knows that; it’s impossible for him not to be aware of that. Yet everything he’s heard has messed with his head so much that he needs the reminder. 

“The information about the Shield’s link has been distorted beyond belief,” Brian finally says. “You shouldn’t listen to anybody else. What you need to remember is that it only goes as far as you allow it. It can be whatever we want it to be. The point is to protect you from the aftereffects of your own magic, but you’d be the one who has control over it. Not me.”

Slowly, Adam nods. “I still want to know how it would feel before I make a choice.”

“I could show you. But you’d have to let me in. Do you think you can do that?”

Adam forces down the automatic answer that comes to him and takes time to think. It would be easy to let Brian enter his mind, but the fact that it would be so easy is the reason why Adam needs to think it over. It was the hardest thing, the first couple of weeks, to learn to close his mind and to protect himself. There’s a risk that undoing even one of the barriers he’s learned to surround his mind with might undo all of his hard work. 

A couple of days ago, that fear would have been enough to stop him. Today, though, he gathers all the confidence he has and says, “Yes. I need to try.”

“Trying might not be enough, Adam.”

Adam knows what Brian wants to hear, but he can’t say it. He has no idea if he’s strong enough. But he has to try.

“Please. The place is protected and it’s just you and me. There’s no risk.”

There’s always a risk, though, and they’re both aware of that. But there are moments when the benefit is worth it, and Adam thinks this is one of those.

Brian must understand it, because he says, “All right. Bedroom, now.”

That gets Adam’s attention and makes him throw a look at Brian over his shoulder. “Why?”

“Because we both need to be comfortable and we don’t have enough space here. Come on.”

They end up on their bed, with Adam lying between Brian’s spread legs, and Brian with his back to the wall and one arm around Adam’s waist, holding him tight. 

“Close your eyes,” Brian murmurs, pressing a soft kiss on the side of Adam’s head when Adam obeys without thinking. “Take a deep breath for me. Slowly. In. And out.”

Brian guides him through three more long breaths, until Adam’s able to focus on the hypnotic rhythm of his own breathing. 

“And now,” Brian drops his voice even lower, turning the whisper into an order, “Let me in.”

It’s easy, then, as if the walls surrounding Adam’s mind were nothing but a curtain that a strong gust of wind could blow away. For a second he feels as if he can’t breathe, as Brian’s presence in his mind surrounds him, tighter and tighter. It doesn’t last, though, and a moment later Adam feels safe again.

As if in a dream, he hears Brian’s voice, soft and faraway, “Now, seek your magic.”

Instead Adam takes a step back in his own mind. He’s tried that many times, and he always hurt himself because the aftereffects are too strong.

“Do as I say, Adam.” This time there’s no mistaking Brian’s words for anything but the command they are. “Seek your magic.”

Adam should be paralyzed by fear, but he isn’t. Instead, he listens and dives inside himself until he finds the source of his power, the little flame on which he always burns himself.

This time, though, it’s just a little light. Somehow it burns brighter than it used to, but Adam can look at it now. He can reach for it and watch the flame dance in his mind without feeling the burn. He knows, without even asking, that if he was to try and use it, it would burn as bright as it used to, give him all the power he needs without leaving him feeling like his brain is a house that’s been burned down to the ground. 

“Do you see?” Brian asks, softly. 

“Yes. I see it. I can… feel it.”

“Good boy.” There’s approval in Brian’s voice, and Adam can’t help but smile. “Now move away from it.”

Slowly, Adam comes back to reality. It’s only when his breath hitches, when he opens his eyes to a blurry vision of their room, that Brian releases him.

The aftershock isn’t as bad as it usually is, but it still hits Adam full on, and he shudders in Brian’s arms. Brian tightens his hold until Adam stops trembling, until he can relax again and let Brian take his weight. 

It takes a couple of minute for Adam to be able to put his thoughts together and ask, “Is that… what it is? The Shield thing?”

“That’s the basis, yes.”

“But it doesn’t make sense,” Adam protests. “It didn’t… the way it felt. It scared me, but only for a second. But otherwise…”

“How did it feel?” Brian asks. “The moment when you got scared?”

“Like I was choking. Like I was tied down and couldn’t move.”

There’s a silence, long enough that Adam looks at Brian to try and understand, but Brian’s face reveals nothing. 

“And did it feel any different when you stopped being scared?”

It did, but the question is enough to make Adam stop and think. So when he finally replies, it’s to say, “More or less. It felt… safe, afterward, but I don’t think the sensation itself changed.”

“It didn’t. You fought me. It didn’t last, but you fought me. So that moment when you felt like you were choking was me pushing through your barriers. But the control was there before, and after. You weren’t looking at it the same way, that’s all.”

“But it felt… right,” Adam says, trying and failing to make sense out of his confusion. “It shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” Brian tightens his hold around Adam, and Adam goes with it without thinking, all but melting in Brian’s possessive embrace. “We fit together, in more ways than one. This would give you the ability to explore the full potential of your magic, the way you should. And as for the rest?”

Brian slips a hand under Adam’s chin and makes him turn his head. “I don’t give a fuck what everybody else thinks. I won’t try and mold you into who I want you to be. I just want to push you to be the best you can be. And this? Will be whatever we want it to be. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Even though Adam’s aware Brian’s not expecting an answer tonight, he already knows he’ll agree. Because even though it still scares him a little, it feels too right to let it go. 

Besides, he has a feeling that it would be nothing more than acknowledging and accepting what’s been there all along.


	2. Ready to Fall

**2\. Ready to Fall**

**Tommy**

_Tommy wakes up in the middle of the night, sitting up, mouth opening on a silent scream. The bed is empty and cold and he feels lost, alone, because he in the middle of it._

_He’s caught in a web of sheets that cling to his sweaty skin. Before he can untangle himself, he’s hit by a wave of pain and nausea that sends him flat on his back._

_It feels as if he’s being ripped apart, losing everything that matters, everything that makes him who he is. Nothing exists anymore but the pain that’s threatening to swallow him whole, and bringing tears to his eyes._

_His back hurt like someone’s cutting through it, hacking at his bones and his organs until there’s nothing left._

_If he tries to close his eyes and focus on breathing to escape the feelings that aren’t his, as soon as he can control his thoughts enough to chase away the sensation, images surround him._

_He’s learned to keep Adam and Brian out – he had to, otherwise he would have gone crazy months ago. But there are always moments when trying is useless, when what they are feeling is so intense that it destroys every single barrier Tommy learned to keep up._

_Usually that only happens when they are making love, and then, Tommy has no reason to fight it._

_Right now, though, it’s a pain so intense that Tommy’s powerless against it. Every time he thinks he’ll succeed in closing his mind, the feelings and images slip through again until he finally realizes that he cannot evade them._

_He curls up on the bed as wave after wave of pain makes him shake. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s biting his lip so hard that it’ll be bleeding soon, but he doesn’t even feel it._

_Nothing exists for him anymore but the pain in his back, and the images he can see. For a second he’s held immobile, someone’s ripping through his back and tearing him apart. When he finally switches his focus, he wants to yell and curse in anger because all he can see is Adam, screaming and bleeding and hurting. The images blur, and he can barely make sense out of them, but he knows they’re only adding to the pain he’s feeling._

_He sees and hears everything through a red haze of pain. He’s desperately seeking the quiet place in himself that will allow him some freedom. He’s worried and scared, aware that whatever is happening to Adam and Brian is awful enough to leave scars on all three of them. Yet he has to close his mind before this pain that isn’t even his drives him crazy._

_Many long minutes pass before he can finally close his mind. Even then, after the sensations and feelings and thoughts that aren’t his finally fade away, he can still hear a voice screaming, faint in the distance, and discordant piano playing._

_The next morning, Tommy first knows something’s wrong when he realizes that he can’t hear the music anymore._

_He can still hear his guitar, but it’s wailing and crying, hurting. Gone are the days when it sang happily within his soul._

_The magic that turned his guitar’s song into music has vanished. The place in Tommy’s soul that used to be filled with soft humming and gentle notes from a piano is nothing but a black hole._

_Fear surrounds Tommy, gnawing at his insides. It can’t be._ It can’t. 

_Normally it’s nearly impossible to get Tommy out of bed without at least two cups of coffee. Now, though, he’s wide awake without even trying. He’s trying his hardest not to panic as he makes his way out of the apartment and across town._

_There’s this building that’s set up in such a way that it’s ridiculously easy to get to the roof. Tommy’s never been there, yet he knows the way by heart, and he can see the place in his head._

_He’s never been there, though. They have. Again. Tommy knows the place but was hoping he’d never have to go there. Because this is their meeting point for when all hell breaks loose. The place where they hope to find each other when all else fails._

_The sun is slowly coming up when Tommy climbs up to the roof, using the emergency stairs and doing his best not to look at the ground below. He’s struck by the absurd thought that it would be easier if he could fly._

_As ridiculous as it is, that idea stays with him, making him feel more powerless. A painful reminder that he’s still only human, and that Adam and Brian aren’t._

_Tommy stands on the roof, as far away from the edge as he can, waiting, hoping, expecting. He would even be happy to hear the disturbing non-music from last night if it means that he could have them both next to him again._

_He doesn’t remember having ever been that scared._

_Tommy waits, and waits, and waits. It’s only when the sun fully comes up that he falls to his knees and lets the tears roll down his face._

_The music in his soul is gone. The guitar screams Tommy’s pain to the world as he realizes that it’s not just the music. Adam and Brian are gone, too._

_He’s lost them._

***

“I’m just asking why you didn’t say a thing, Tommy. Nothing more.”

Tommy faces the wall. He has his reasons, and the last thing he wants is to share them with someone who can’t even hope to understand.

“You know nothing, Ash. You have no idea about the shit that happened. So mind your own business, will you?”

He’s hoping Ashley will let it drop, but of course that’s asking too much. Ashley can be just as stubborn as he is, especially when she thinks she’s right. 

Instead of being left alone, Tommy feels Ashley’s gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“I watched you being miserable for months, Tommy. And now Adam’s back, and he doesn’t remember a thing… Why didn’t you tell him about yourself?”

Tommy’s whole body tenses as he tries his hardest to keep in the tears that are threatening to fall. “Because it hurts, Ash. Because telling him would hurt me even more. Please. Can you let it go?”

Ashley sighs, and Tommy knows that he’d better do something if he wants to get her off his back. Yet she only says, “All right. I think he’s in the living room. I’ll leave the two of you alone.”

Panic bubbles up in Tommy’s throat at the thought of it being just he and Adam in here, and the conversation that will be even harder to avoid. “Can’t you stay?”

Frowning, Ashley walks around him until she can look him in the eyes. “Why? It’s just Adam. What are you so scared of?”

_Everything_ , Tommy wants to say, but the word catches in his throat as he realizes that he’d need to explain a lot more things to convince Ashley to stay. So he forces himself to smile. If it’s a little shaky, Ashley doesn’t seem to notice. “You’re right. I’m just being silly, I guess.”

“Tommy…”

“I’ll be fine, I promise.” He says it as fast as he can, and he knows he’s not that convincing because Ashley’s still frowning.

Still, all she does is pull him into her arms and Tommy goes easily, glad for the little bit of comfort she’s offering.

“You know you can call me any time, right?”

Tommy doesn’t trust his voice, so he nods. Ashley smiles at him before walking out.

The door closes behind her, and Tommy lays his palms on the door as he tries to find the strength he needs to face Adam again. He’s aware that it’s harder for him to lie, that it means he has to watch what he says all the time to make sure he doesn’t slip up. But he’s not ready to handle the pain that would come from telling Adam who they were to each other, before Adam and Brian disappeared. 

Slowly, Tommy walks into the living room and finds Adam sitting on the floor, eyes closed. For a second, the image is so familiar that Tommy stops dead in his tracks. He wants to reach for Adam and curl into his arms as he once did, without having to second-guess everything. 

Instead, Tommy grabs some pillows from the couch and settles on the floor, sitting on them, far enough from Adam that he won’t be tempted to touch him. 

He doesn’t say a word, he doesn’t make a sound, yet Adam must sense him somehow because he turn his head toward Tommy before he opens his eyes, a soft smile on his face.

“More memories?” Tommy asks.

“Yes. I’m still remembering.”

Tommy’s tempted to ask what it is that Adam remembers, but he’s aware that that might bring them closer to dangerous territory, so he stays quiet. 

“Why do you have a key?”

The question takes Tommy by surprise, and he blinks at Adam as he tries his hardest to find an explanation that won’t lead to more questions. “Huh?”

Adam moves his hand in a vague way that still makes it clear he’s talking about the apartment. “I mean here. Why do you have a key?”

“I lived with you guys for a little while.” It’s not a lie, even though the truth is a lot more complicated. 

Tommy’s fully expecting another round of questions, but it never happens. 

Instead Adam looks outside, where the moon and stars are shining in the sky, and he says, softly, “I should head to bed. I’m getting tired.”

Once again it hits Tommy, every little thing that doesn’t quite fit with the Adam he remembers, and he feels a burst of anger toward whoever messed Adam up so badly. They’ve always taken care of each other, all three of them, and Tommy can’t help but think that he failed Adam by letting this happen. 

Trying his hardest not to think about the fact that the Adam he knows would never sleep through the night, mostly because he doesn’t need to, Tommy nods. “I’ll leave you alone.”

Before he has time to move, Adam reaches out and grabs Tommy’s hand. “Can you stay? Please?”

It’s the _please_ that does it, even though Tommy was more than ready to refuse. He ignores the warning bells going off in his head and stays. He even pushes things as far as joining Adam in the bedroom, sitting on the bed when Adam slips under the covers. 

“Will you still be there when I wake up?” 

There’s something in Adam’s question that make it sounds like he’s talking about a lot more than just his memories. Like he’s aware of how much Tommy’s tempted to run while Adam is asleep. 

Tommy chews on his bottom lip, not sure that he’s willing to make a promise he’ll be tempted to break as soon as Adam closes his eyes. As usual, though, he can’t deny the hopeful look in Adam’s eyes.

“Yes. I’ll be sleeping on the couch.”

“The bed is more than big enough for two,” Adam insists.

_Because we chose it to be big enough for three_ , Tommy wants to say, but he swallows down the words before they make it out of his mouth. And while Tommy knows how much of a bad idea it is, how it will only make him crave things he know he can never have again, this is the kind of temptation that he can’t resist.

So he nods, and finally sees that soft smile on Adam’s face, the one that’s been missing since they found each other again. Tommy can’t help the way it warms him all over, how it makes his stomach flutter and his heart pound harder. 

He’s okay – he’s ready to swear it, until Adam opens his arms in a gesture that is oh-so-familiar. Instead of going as easily as he once would have, Tommy curls in on himself, his breath catching in his throat, tears itching at the corner of his eyes. 

He says, barely above a whisper, “I’m not sleepy yet.” And then he doesn’t dare look because he knows that if he sees the hurt in Adam’s eyes, he’ll give in. But he needs to protect himself even if it’s just this little bit. 

Still he doesn’t move and, once he’s sure that Adam won’t insist, he watches Adam curl under the bedcover, facing him, looking at him until sleep finally takes him. It’s only then that Tommy allows himself a shaky breath. He had no idea it would be this hard. 

He closes his eyes once Adam’s asleep because the sight of Adam, vulnerable and soft in his sleep, would be too tempting. He’s been careful ever since Adam walked into the store where he works, careful of his words, of his touches. 

He’s aware that it would only take one word, one smile, and everything would start again. But he also knows that, in the end, he’ll only find himself hurt and alone. Again. 

Tommy takes a long, deep breath, but before he finds the courage to face Adam again, he feels a hand closing around his knee, a firm pressure that feels way too familiar. He swallows hard, hoping against hope that it’s only Adam who can’t sleep. 

Without raising his head, Tommy opens his eyes and holds in a whimper at the sight that greets him. The hand on his knee is darker than Adam’s, and there’s a reason why Tommy recognized that grip.

Slowly, he looks up, already knowing who he will see but unable to stop the fear clutching at his insides. 

“Bri?” Tommy whispers. “But how?”

Brian smiles, but the sadness in his gaze tears Tommy apart.

“You can see me?”

The question takes Tommy by surprise. “Of course I can.”

“No.” Brian shakes his head. “Not _of course_. I’ve been around since Adam walked into that music store, yet it’s the first time you’ve seen me, the first time you’ve heard me.” He tightens his grip on Tommy’s knee, as if he’s afraid that if he lets go, Tommy will disappear into thin air. “The first time I’ve been able to touch you without my hand going through your body like I’m some kind of ghost.”

“How is that possible?”

Brian sighs and looks over at Adam’s sleeping form. “When they made him forget? They linked me to him, and they stuck me somewhere between the astral plane and this one. He has no idea I’m even around, and anyone who focuses on him can’t see me. I had to wait for him to fall asleep so I could talk to you.”

Tommy’s glad that Brian is still looking at Adam, because it means that Tommy doesn’t have to work as hard to hide what he’s feeling. The last couple of days have shaken him to his core, and it’s only getting worse every time he learns something new. 

Without looking away from Adam, Brian asks, “Why didn’t you tell him about yourself?”

Tommy recognizes the exact same words that Ashley used earlier, right after she ripped him a new one about not telling Adam, and he curls in his fists, nails pressing little crescents into his palms. The pain helps him keep his focus. 

It’s still not enough, though. He can’t come up with any explanation beyond what he already told Ashley. While he’s aware that Brian won’t let it slide that easily, he has to try. “He was more likely to remember you than to remember me.”

“Do you really believe that?”

Brian stares at Tommy, but it’s not a lie, not really, so Tommy can nod without blushing. He hopes that will be enough.

“I’d have believed you before he started remembering,” Brian admits. “But what are you expecting now? He spent six months not remembering a thing, and all it took was one conversation with you for the memories to come back to him. And you want me to believe that, what? The same thing wouldn’t happen about you?”

Tommy shrugs. “We can’t know for sure.”

“We can’t know unless you try. Now I’m going to ask you again. Why didn’t you tell him about yourself?”

Panic bubbles up in Tommy’s throat as he tries and fails to figure out a way to explain that would make Brian drop the subject. 

The lie he’s getting ready to tell must show on his face because Brian’s face darkens and he drops his voice lower as he orders, “None of that. Give me the truth, boy.”

Everything about Brian’s attitude hits Tommy like a ton of bricks. He hasn’t had that since Adam and Brian vanished. He didn’t seek it out, and he didn’t think he ever would again, because after them, humans pale in comparison. However, it means that now, Tommy’s powerless to stop the wave of want- _need_ that crashes into him.

“Don’t do this,” Tommy whispers, every word difficult to get out. “Please, Bri, _don’t._ ”

“All you have to do is tell me the truth.”

“Because it hurts.” The first words break the dam, and Tommy’s pain turns into anger. “It fucking hurts. You both disappeared without a word, and it felt like someone was ripping me apart. I don’t want to go through that again.”

“It won’t happen,” Brian says, softly, but Tommy shakes his head.

“Don’t make promises you might not be able to keep.”

“Have I ever lied to you?”

Tommy shrugs. “It doesn’t have anything to do with lying. You’d have said the same thing six months ago, and look where we are now.”

“It’s not like we could have planned for all of that bullshit,” Brian protests, but even he doesn’t sound all that convinced. 

“That’s what I mean,” Tommy explains, after taking a couple of seconds to put his thoughts together. “There will always be something that none of us could predict. And in the end? You two will have each other, and I’ll still be just a human pet. Pretty to play with, and that’s it.”

Tommy forces the last couple of words out even though they grate his throat and bring fresh tears to his eyes. He tries to hide behind his hair, but seconds later, there are fingers tilting his chin to make him look at Brian. 

“How many times do I have to tell you not to talk about yourself like that?” Brian asks, in that fond way that, in the past, would have made Tommy smile. As it is, it feels like someone’s hand just went through Tommy’s chest and ripped out his heart. 

“It’s the truth,” Tommy replies, a little desperate to make Brian shut up. He’s very aware that with how fucking fragile he’s feeling since Adam walked back into his life, it wouldn’t take much to convince him. But he doesn’t want to risk being hurt that badly ever again.

He keeps going before Brian can interrupt him, “It doesn’t matter how much I wish things were otherwise. It doesn’t matter what you or,” he looks over at Adam’s sleeping form, as if he’s worrying that just saying Adam’s name will make him wake up, “he thinks. There’ll always be risks and things we can’t predict. And in the end I’m the one who’ll end up being hurt.”

“Not if we can prevent it,” Brian reminds him.

“You can’t, don’t you see? There are things you can’t protect me from. You couldn’t prevent what happened six months ago or the consequences.”

Silence is the only answer he gets, and Tommy’s tempted to bat Brian’s hand away from his face. He’s rarely felt as vulnerable as he does now. He can’t hide a thing, and while six months ago he would have been perfectly comfortable with it, now it makes him want to hurl. 

“You want it,” Brian says. His hand is still soft on Tommy’s face, barely a caress, but it feels like a slap would hurt less. “You’ve needed to tell him who you are since he walked into that store. So why don’t you?”

At that moment Tommy hates how well Brian can read him. How it’s impossible to hide anything from him for more than a couple of minutes. He’s aware he’s the one who gave Brian that power, but that was before. 

“You said you’d stop,” Tommy tries to protest.

“When you stop making excuses and tell me the truth, Tommy.” 

The words shake Tommy to his core. Yet he pushes Brian’s hand away from his face as he tries to find words that will allow him to tell the truth without hurting himself even more in the process. 

In the end, he asks, “Remember when the connection between us was created?”

Brian nods, but he doesn’t say a thing. Tommy’s glad when he realizes that Brian is waiting to hear what Tommy has to say.

“I could feel him, all the time. And you too, even if it wasn’t on the same level.” Tommy smiles a little as he remembers, even though that also makes all of his emotional scars flare, causing him a pain that nearly prevents him from explaining. “Wherever I was, if I closed my eyes, I could feel you both. It was music. I heard my guitar singing in happiness, and soft notes of your piano, and Adam’s humming. But when you disappeared? I lost it all.”

Tommy sighs. “That little space in me where I could always feel the two of you? Now there’s nothing but a black hole. And it hurts. All the time.”

He closes his eyes and feels Brian’s arm slide around his shoulders, pulling him against Brian’s chest. Tommy goes easily as tears burn at the corner of his eyes, accepting the comfort Brian is offering even if Tommy’s aware it’s an illusion. 

“You know this is probably what they intended, right?” Brian whispers. “The same way they erased Adam’s memories and turned me into something akin to a ghost. They wanted to drive us apart.”

“I know,” Tommy replies. That’s all he can manage through the dryness of his throat. 

“Then you know that letting it happen, letting that fear drive you is letting them win.”

“Don’t you get it?” Tommy asks as he opens his eyes and looks at Brian, really looks at him. “Even if I listened to you… how long would it be before something like this happens again?”

Before Brian can interrupt him, Tommy says, “You’re not there anymore. That’s how it feels. I see you, but I can’t feel you. It’s the same with him. It’s like everything we shared was just a figment of my imagination.”

Tommy tightens his grip on Brian, needing to make sure that he’s really there, that he won’t disappear as soon as Tommy closes his eyes again. “That’s why it hurts so much. Not because I’m scared of what could happen to us – I was aware of the risks from the beginning. But because it feels like none of it really happened.” 

As he speaks, the scars that Tommy fights all the time come back to life, eating at his soul, little by little.

“That’s why I say I don’t want to be hurt like that again. Your life and mine are two completely different things, no matter how much we tried to persuade ourselves otherwise. In the end, I’m still human.”

“Tommy,” Brian says, soft and careful, waiting until he has Tommy’s full attention before continuing, “It can be whatever we decide it is. Remember that?”

The words are so familiar that Tommy’s powerless against them. “Even if things are that messed up?”

“We’ll fix them. Together. We’ll find a way.” And just because it’s clear that Brian believes every word of what he’s saying, Tommy finds himself believing them, too. 

He can’t help the small, hopeful smile that appears on his face, but he still says, “I can’t… I won’t be able to tell him. I need to but… I’m so scared that it won’t work.”

Because as soon as he opens his mouth, tries to tell Adam, all Tommy will be able to think about is how much it hurt the last time around, how telling Adam the truth would reopen the door to that kind of pain. 

He can’t bring himself to say that out loud, but Brian must understand because he says, “I could help. If you let me.”

“Help how?”

“They haven’t left me many ways to communicate with him – screw that, I’m pretty sure they intended to leave me none – but I discovered that I can… influence his dreams is the best way to put it,” Brian explains. “I can send him my memories and thoughts, even though the best I’ve managed so far is nightmares. He doesn’t seem to remember the good, simple things when he wakes up.”

“What does that have to do with me?”

“If you let me in… you remember how to do that, right?”

Tommy nods. It’s not like he could have forgotten. 

“So if you let me in, I can use your memories, and there’s a chance that he’ll remember it in the morning. Worst case scenario, he’ll be asking questions tomorrow, and it will make it easier for you to tell him.”

Brian seems to hesitate, and Tommy asks, “But? There’s a but, right?”

“Thing is, if I’m using your memories, you’ll have to live through them at the same time he does. Do you think you can do that?”

Tommy shivers at the thought. He’s only too aware that if they do this, he will want things to go back to the way they were, badly enough that it will hurt even more if they don’t. 

“Are you sure we can fix this mess?”

Brian busses a soft kiss on the side of Tommy’s head. “We’ll figure out a way, baby. I promise.”

Before Tommy can refuse, he makes himself stop thinking and whispers, “Go ahead.”

Brian pulls him higher on the bed, lying him down next to Adam, and Tommy lets out a sobbing breath when he feels Adam curl around him, a possessive arm going around his waist. Adam’s still sleeping, but it seems like the most natural thing in the world for him. 

Tommy feels the gentle caress of Brian’s fingers on the side of his neck as he closes his eyes. “Sleep, Tommy. Let me in and sleep.”

And Tommy does, and he remembers. 

***

Tommy’s thoughts are a mess. A noisy mess that he can’t hope to shut up. He’s gotten used to it over the years. He’s learned the tricks that will close down his brain enough to let him sleep. He even has some pills – pills that he hates to use, but does when he desperately needs sleep because insomnia insists on eating his brain. 

This is different, though. It has nothing to do with his own thoughts going round and round in his head. This is him hearing things that don’t belong to him, music that doesn’t even sound like music, a discordant harmony he has no hope of fixing. 

He heard the first notes as soon as he opened his eyes and realized what Adam had done to him. He still stands by what he told them at that moment, though: what Adam did saved Tommy’s life, and he doesn’t regret it. He doubts he ever could. 

However, none of them expected the consequences. Tommy told them, briefly, about the things he heard when he opened his eyes. He still remembers Brian telling him that it should quiet down within a couple of days and that, if it didn’t, he should come to them. 

He remembers very well how Adam stopped Brian as he was trying to get Tommy to promise that he would. He was glad of that at the time, but now he realizes that it gave him one more excuse not to go to them when it became too much. 

Tommy had a feeling that asking them for help would be like opening the Pandora’s box that they’d all tried so hard to keep closed, the last couple of months. He didn’t want to be the one to destroy that fragile harmony. 

Yet here he is, after sleep has evaded him one time too many. None of his old tricks work against the intrusive feeling that the thoughts, the sounds that hint at music but never stray far from annoying, aren’t his. 

It’s late enough in the evening that he knows they will be back at their place. Besides, he could feel it, the intoxicating pleasure of feeding and… Tommy takes a deep breath as he keeps walking and forces himself to complete the thought, of feeding and murdering. 

He knows who they are and – mostly – what they are, he’s been aware of it from the start, but that didn’t make him run away. Not even when Isaac bailed on them because he knew something was wrong. 

Even now, after being confronted with their true nature, night after night, Tommy doesn’t feel like he should run. It makes him uneasy, maybe, to feel like he is a part of what they do because he shared their thoughts, but nothing more than that. 

He can’t help but feel like it should disturb him more, but somehow it doesn’t. Currently, what he wants the most is to get some sleep, any way he can, and it’s enough to stop him from questioning anything he’s seen and heard through them. 

Right before he knocks on their door, Tommy realizes that they will both still be riding the high of feeding and mayhem, and that it would have been a better plan to wait until the next day. But he’s also aware that he’s been standing there long enough that Adam will have felt him, and turning around now would only complicate the situation tomorrow. 

Tommy knocks before he loses his courage. The door opens so fast that he knows Adam was standing behind it and could barely restrain himself and wait until Tommy knocked. 

The smile on Adam’s face disappears as he takes in the mess that is Tommy. Gently, Adam gathers Tommy in his arms and pulls him inside, letting the door close behind them. 

Tommy’s trembling as he clings to Adam, allowing himself to hide in the comfort of Adam’s arms. 

“What’s wrong, Tommy?” Adam whispers.

It takes a second before Tommy can get his breath back, before he can release his grip on Adam and look at Brian over Adam’s arm. “You said to come to you if it became worse. It’s a lot worse.”

There’s a long moment of silence as Brian stares at Tommy before asking, “How long did you wait before you listened to me?”

Tommy holds in the _couple of days_ that comes to him automatically, pretty sure that it’s not what Brian means, and replies, “Too long.”

Brian curses under his breath, but when he walks closer, Tommy doesn’t get the lecture he was expecting. “How does it feel?” Brian asks instead.

“Like I’m not alone in my head,” Tommy replies without thinking. “Like, there are thoughts and feelings going round and round that I know aren’t mine. And notes of music, but they’re… grating on my nerves instead of soothing.”

Adam tightens his grip around Tommy. “It wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Brian shrugs. “It was a possibility. You know that. Now we need to deal with it.”

Still looking at Brian, Adam says, “Maybe you’re wrong.”

Tommy realizes they’re having a whole conversation without words, and one that he’s completely unable understand. 

“Maybe,” Brian agrees. He steps closer to them, slips his fingers under Tommy’s chin to make him look up. “Can you do something for me?”

“It depends on what it is,” Tommy replies, “but yeah, I guess.”

“I want you to close your eyes and listen. Try to ignore the thoughts – I know they’re intrusive, but try. And tell me what you hear.”

Tommy closes his eyes and tries. As soon as he pushes his thoughts to the edge of his mind though, the discordant sounds take over everything in his head, making him grind his teeth. 

“It hurts.”

“Just try, Tommy,” Brian says again.

Tommy fights through the headache and finally says, “A voice. Not really singing, more like humming. Maybe.”

“Anything else?”

There’s something in Adam’s voice that let Tommy know Adam’s hoping Tommy will say no and that will be that. But he has a feeling that lying to make Adam feel better won’t help them. At all. 

“Yes.” Tommy tries to focus, pushes through the nerve-grating feeling until there’s a fine line of sweat on his forehead and he can reply. “It’s very faint, but… piano, I think. Just a note here and there.”

“Good, that’s good,” Brian says, even though his tone sounds like the complete opposite of the reassuring words he’s saying. “Stop now. Don’t hurt yourself.”

Tommy opens his eyes and look at them, from one to the other and back again. “What’s happening?” He asks, “What does it mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything good,” Brian admits. “But it means we can help.”

“No.” 

Adam’s tone is sharp enough to make Tommy take a step back from his embrace. He tenses all over until Brian steps behind him, wrapping an arm around Tommy’s waist. 

Brian keeps his voice soft and even as he says, “Adam, don’t argue over this now. That’s the last thing he needs.”

“We said we wouldn’t mess with their lives,” Adam still protests, but his voice lacks conviction.

“It’s too late for that. Not doing anything now would make everything worse.”

Adam doesn’t reply, and Tommy asks again, “What’s happening to me?”

There are a few seconds of silence where it feels like Adam and Brian are still arguing without saying a word, before Brian finally explains, “What you’re hearing is… well, us. The sounds, they’re coming from us. They’re the very essence of who we are. If you listen very closely, you’ll probably recognize Adam’s voice.”

Adam gets tenser with every word Brian says. Tommy realizes that he won’t get any answers out of Adam, so he looks at Brian over his shoulder, and asks, “It happened when Adam saved my life, right?”

Brian’s eyebrows go up in surprise, and Tommy hopes he’s not about to comment on the way Tommy said it. He knows it’s not right – he’s heard the spiel about how they don’t have healing powers a couple of times already – but he has a feeling that saying it any other way would make Adam even less likely to listen. 

Brian must understand though, because he says, “Yes. What he did was create a connection between the two of you. It shouldn’t have been this bad, but you’re sensitive enough to that kind of magic for it to have consequences.”

Hesitating, Tommy bites his lip. He’s not sure he wants the answer to the question he’s about to ask. “Is that all? That doesn’t explain the fact that I hear you too.”

Pulling Tommy tighter against him, Brian drops his voice to a whisper. “Will you be surprised if I tell you that the one who attacked you might have felt something between the three of us? That it’s the exact reason why they used that spell? Because they hoped this would happen if we tried to save you.”

Tommy’s mouth gets so dry it’s a few seconds before he can reply. “That would explain a lot of things.”

There’s a soft smile on Brian’s face, then Adam’s voice cut through the air, harsh. “Bri, don’t do this.”

Brian looks away from Tommy and back at Adam. “Why not? We’ve been dancing around this for months, Adam. And now it looks like we don’t really have a choice.”

“There are other ways…” Adam tries to say, even as he’s walking toward them as if he can’t help it. 

A shiver climbs up Tommy’s spine as he realizes that Brian’s drawing Adam forward and that Tommy can feel him do it. 

“Ways that won’t work, or will barely work,” Brian replies. “Ways that risk Tommy going mad because he won’t have any control over what he hears or doesn’t hear. Because we won’t have any control over what we show him. The connection needs to be controlled, or we’re going to head directly right for what you’re trying to avoid, and we’ll lose him.”

“I know that,” Adam says as he steps closer, one hand coming up to give Tommy’s neck a soft caress. “I didn’t want for it to happen like this. I need you to believe me.”

Tommy pushes into Adam’s touch. He can hear the pain in Adam’s voice, yet he feels safer than he has in a really long time. 

“I believe you,” he says, softly. “But you want this. Yes?”

Something dark passes in Adam’s eyes. “You have no idea what you’re offering.”

Tommy wants to deny that but he can’t. Maybe once he’s gotten rid of the mess in his head, but for now, all he’s aware is that there are too many things he doesn’t understand. And that he has no hope of understanding them until he can think clearly again.

“At least help me,” he says after a few seconds. “I need to sleep. We’ll figure out the rest later.”

There’s a moment where it seems like Adam will agree then he looks at Brian over Tommy’s shoulder and says, “It can’t be that simple.”

“Or maybe it can,” Brian replies. “Just do what needs to be done, Adam, and let me handle the rest.”

“But he has no idea what it means.”

“Can you both stop talking about me like I’m not even here?” Tommy pushes out of Brian’s embrace, annoyed, and turns on Adam. “The explanations can wait. I just need sleep.”

Adam sighs as he steps closer to Tommy, his hand going to Tommy’s neck and giving it another caress. “This is so not the way I wanted this to happen.”

Somehow all that sticks in Tommy’s head is that Adam wanted this, and even though he doesn’t fully understand what _this_ is yet, it’s enough to draw another, “Please,” out of his mouth. 

While Adam’s still hesitating, Tommy feels Brian move closer until Tommy’s caught between the two of them. Tommy’s mouth goes dry as the mess of thoughts and feelings inside him turns into a storm that threatens to swallow him whole. He grabs onto Adam when his knees buckle. 

Tommy’s so far gone that he barely hears Brian’s next words. “None of us wanted it to happen like this, Adam. But there isn’t another way out. Look at him.”

This time it takes Brian’s arm around Tommy’s waist to stop Tommy from collapsing. “What the fuck…” Tommy can’t continue. The notes that hint at music turn into a cacophony, so loud that he can’t think anymore. 

He hears Brian’s voice as if through a fog, words that barely even make sense. “Adam. The connection is acting like Tommy was trying to run away from us. If we don’t do something now, it’s gonna kill him.”

He feels Adam step closer, than Adam moves his hand to Tommy’s chin and tilts his head. “Tommy, look at me.”

He tries, he really does, but it’s as if there’s a veil in front of his eyes, obscuring his vision; one that’s made worse by the thoughts in his head. 

“I know it’s hard, baby, but you have to try. Come on, Tommy. Look at me.”

Tommy pushes through and is finally able to focus on Adam’s face. The approving smile he sees warms him all over. 

“Do you want me to help you, baby?” The question sounds oddly formal. 

There’s only one possible answer. “Yes. Please.”

“Then you have to open yourself to me. Let me in.” 

For a second what Adam’s saying doesn’t make sense, and then it’s like it makes too much sense. Every part of Tommy recoils at the idea. It doesn’t matter how much he trusts Adam, how much he wants and needs them both, he’s suddenly filled with a wild panic that he’s helpless to stop. 

Tommy’s heart goes rabbit-fast, and Adam drops his hand. 

“Adam…” The warning is clear in Brian’s voice. 

“I’m not doing this against his will.”

Tommy shivers at the low rumble of Brian’s voice in his ear. “It’s an automatic response, Adam. You know that. It doesn’t mean a thing.” 

Adam still takes a step back. “I can’t.”

Tommy breathes easier when Adam gets out of his space. Seconds later, though, he feels Brian’s hand closing around his throat, pulling his head back, and fear and panic submerge him again. 

Tommy barely hears Brian’s voice through the blur his mind has become. “It’s just us, Tommy. Me and Adam. We won’t hurt you. We’re just trying to help. You have to fight it.”

Tommy’s a mess, and the words he wants to say catch in his throat, choking him until all he can get out is, “Can’t.”

Brian drops his voice lower, so that only Tommy can hear him. “Don’t you give me that, boy. Yes, you can. Focus on the music.”

“It’s not music.”

Brian tightens his grip on Tommy’s throat, just enough to make him pay attention. “Listen closely. Yes, it’s music. Just listen. Come on, boy. Do it for me.”

There’s something compelling in Brian’s voice, in his words, something that pulls Tommy in and makes it impossible for him to resist. Brian keeps talking, but the words don’t mean a thing to Tommy anymore as the sounds inside him turn into harmony. The guitar stops wailing and he can finally recognize Adam’s voice, as well as a couple of gentle piano notes. 

The panic and fear fade away and Tommy can enjoy the safety of the tight grip Brian has on him. 

Brian moves his hand to Tommy’s shoulder and Adam’s back, his hand on Tommy’s cheek. Without thinking, Tommy chases after the caress, and Adam smiles.

He finds himself caught between them once again, unable to focus on anything but their voices, their music, and the way Adam’s gaze seems to burn down into his core, the weight of Brian’s eyes, just as heavy on him. 

“Listen to the music, boy,” Brian says again. “And let it carry you.”

Putting just enough weight behind the words to turn them into a command, Adam says, “Open yourself for me, Tommy.” 

This time Tommy can’t do anything but obey. 

It’s easy. The fear and panic are gone, vanished into nothingness. There is music, everywhere, the kind that pulls Tommy in and makes him want to figure it out. To reproduce it on his guitar until he knows it by heart, until there’s no chance he’ll forget it.

He can barely feel Adam’s hands on him, Brian’s body against his back, even though he knows that if they weren’t there, holding him, he would fall. He’s only aware of their presence all around him, and in him, a gentle harmony that slowly wraps around his soul. A distant part of his mind is still screaming that it’s a trap, that he’ll be lost and die unless he stops them now, but he can’t. It doesn’t matter what Adam and Brian actually are. How could he not trust them? 

The music takes over Tommy’s mind; it weaves a spell over him that he doesn’t want or try to fight. He can feel their hold getting tighter and tighter, clearly showing their intention of never letting him go. Yet instead of scaring him, all it does is bring Tommy the kind of peace he hasn’t felt often. 

When they finally release him, the only thoughts left in Tommy’s head are his own. But if he closes his eyes, he can hear them. Their melody weaves around his guitar and makes it sing with joy, deep inside his soul. Adam’s voice, humming softly, and little notes from a piano. It feels like home and safety and everything Tommy’s ever wanted. 

Tommy opens his eyes and releases a deep breath, then looks up at Adam.

“You’re back with us?” Adam asks.

Tommy nods, and without meaning to, he moves closer. But he doesn’t get what he’s expecting as Adam takes a step back.

“We’re not done, Adam.” Brian’s voice sends shivers down Tommy’s back, and for a second, he’s not sure if the warning is for him or for Adam. Maybe for them both.

“Not tonight.” 

Tommy still isn’t sure what they’re talking about. He understands most of it, or he thinks he does, but he has a feeling that he won’t really get it until he’s had a real taste. Which it seems Adam is intent on not giving him tonight. 

The only thing that stops Tommy from arguing is that he doesn’t know for sure what he’d be arguing for, but he’s still tempted. As it is, he can only hope that Brian will disagree with what Adam just said. 

Instead, Brian says, “All right. I’ll take him home.”

“I can still walk,” Tommy tries to say, but there’s very little conviction in his voice. 

“What just happened took a lot out of you. There’s no guarantee that you won’t crash before you get home.” 

It makes sense, yet Tommy can’t help but notice the way Adam frowns. “Bri…”

“Just as I said, Adam. Let me do what needs to be done.”

Tommy realizes that they’re having a complete conversation without words, but before he can ask, a wave of want-need that’s so strong it hurt crashes into him; he would have collapsed without Brian’s arms around him. Still it makes him smile when he realizes that he actually knew what they were talking about. And while he’s done this before, he’s never wanted – needed – this as badly as he does from them both. 

“Come on, baby,” Brian whispers in Tommy’s ear. “Let’s get you home.”

***

The next morning, Tommy awakes from his memories to find Adam staring at him. Adam’s lying on his side and has a loose grip around Tommy’s waist. 

They look at each other for a few seconds, neither of them daring to say a word, as if breaking the silence will destroy the little bit of peace they’re both clinging to. 

Finally it’s Adam who asks, voice so soft that it shatters Tommy’s heart into pieces, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

It takes Tommy a moment to figure out how to answer. The pain he can hear in Adam’s voice is enough to make him think about it, biting his lips as all the good reasons he had suddenly seem insignificant. 

In the end, all that come to him is, “Because I can’t feel you. I see you, I know you’re here, but I have no idea what you’re thinking. Your voice still isn’t back in my head. It makes it feel like you’re not really there.”

“I’m here,” Adam says, tightening his grip on Tommy. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Tommy snorts and shakes his head. “You’d have said the same thing six months ago, and look what happened.”

Something crosses Adam’s face then, an emotion Tommy has trouble identifying. He’s not sad, not exactly, but his face has become so serious all of a sudden, in a way that Tommy has only seen a couple of times. In those moments when it was only him, and Adam, and Brian, and everything that was between them. 

“I don’t understand where that memory came from,” Adam says after a few seconds. “For everything else, there was a reason. A sentence, a place, something that would trigger it. This one… it came out of nowhere.”

Tommy all but jump out of his skin when he feels a hand on his shoulder, a hand that doesn’t belong to Adam, and his eyes nearly bug out when he realizes that he can still see and feel Brian, sitting on the other side of him. 

Slowly, Tommy slips out of both of their embraces and sits on the bed. He smiles when Adam lets go of the covers and does the same, facing Tommy, still looking incredibly serious. Without looking at either of them, Brian moves out of the way until he’s sitting behind Tommy. 

“It didn’t come out of nowhere.” Tommy looks at Adam, but Adam’s face doesn’t reveal anything. He’s just waiting to hear what Tommy has to say. “It was Brian.”

Tommy’s surprised at how easy it is to say Brian’s name. It was so hard back in the café, when he had to fight the spell every step of the way. Here and now, it doesn’t require any effort. 

“What?” Adam asks, in a small voice that makes him sound like a lost little boy. 

Tommy feels the bed dip behind him as Brian stands. Tommy points vaguely over his shoulder. “You probably can’t see him, but he’s over there.”

Adam stares over Tommy’s shoulder, squinting. “There’s… not someone, but there’s a blur hiding the window. So, yes, in a way, I can see him.” He reaches out as if to touch, then looks back at Tommy. “How…? Do you know?”

“He’s stuck somewhere between the astral plane and this one.” At Adam’s suspicious look, Tommy raises both hands and pushes himself back a little. “His words, not mine.”

“So the memory came from him,” Adam says, in a way that shows he doubts it. 

Tommy looks down at the bed. “He said that he could reach you through dreams. So he took the memory from me and showed it to you.”

Adam sighs. “I was hoping you would tell me it wasn’t a memory.”

Trying his hardest to keep his breathing even despite the storm that’s taking over his mind, Tommy keeps his eyes on the bed. “Why?”

There’s no answer. When Tommy finally finds the courage to look at Adam, he sees exactly what he was hoping would be absent. “I have no idea why you always felt that guilty over it.”

Adam inches closer and grabs one of Tommy’s hands. “Because you never had a choice, Tommy. Things happened, and we couldn’t stop them. That day, we practically had to force consent out of you so we wouldn’t kill you. It wasn’t right.”

Tommy’s left speechless, not so much by what Adam’s saying as by the fact that if he can say it, he has to be remembering a lot more than he did yesterday. However, Tommy would have to be deaf not to hear the pain in Adam’s voice. 

Biting his lip, Tommy looks at Brian over his shoulder. He doesn’t dare ask, it’s impossible for him to ask without Adam understanding at least some of what happened, and he promised he wouldn’t say a thing. It doesn’t matter that it was forever ago, and under completely different circumstances. 

Brian shrugs. “Go ahead. Tell him. At this point, it won’t change a thing.”

Tommy doesn’t dare look at Adam when he whispers, “I had a choice.”

“Sorry?”

There’s a lump in Tommy’s throat because he’s aware he doesn’t have any option but explaining. This time he can’t hope for memories that will appear out of nowhere since Adam was never aware of this. 

He has no idea if Adam said that because he didn’t hear Tommy or because he didn’t believe him, but he chooses to go with the former. “I had a choice,” he repeats. “When Brian took me home that night? He told me that he could undo it. That he could… break the connection and let us start over, all three of us. That it would leave me free to come to you when – if – I wanted to.”

Silence clings between them, strong enough that it makes Tommy feel like he’s about to choke until Adam finally asks, “Why didn’t I know that?”

“Because I refused. Because I said that I wouldn’t change a thing, that even given my own free will, I’d do the same thing all over again.”

There’s another reason, but it has so much to do with the subtle power struggle that was always present between Adam and Brian that Tommy feels like it’s not his place to mention it. 

“So, yeah. Maybe you don’t believe it, but I had a choice. I made a choice that night, even if it wasn’t when you wanted me to.”

Tommy closes his eyes, but the memories of that night continue dancing behind his eyelids until he wants to scream. He remembers so much more than what he’s told Adam. Brian explaining that the need already clawing under his skin was as likely to drive him mad as the not-quite-music did, and giving him just enough of a taste that the next time Tommy came to them, it would really be of his own free will. 

Yet nothing happened that night. All Tommy can remember is – was it minutes, hours? He can’t tell – kneeling at Brian’s feet and finding a kind of peace that otherwise had always been just out of his reach. 

So as far as he’s concerned? He made a fucking choice and he’s standing by it.

Yet what makes him open his eyes is Adam saying, “That could have been the link itself stopping you. Of course you wouldn’t want out of it. It’s designed to pull you in further and further until you can’t resist.”

Tommy shakes his head, but he doesn’t have a chance to add anything. 

“Fuck, Tommy, it would have killed you that night. If we hadn’t figured out a way to make you yield? Your soul would have fought us until we were left with no choice but to feed. And that kind of process can’t be stopped. You’d be dead.”

There’s nothing Tommy can say to that, no matter how much he wants to. He knows just enough to be aware that Adam’s right. 

“The spell shouldn’t have had those effects in the first place.” Tommy startles at the sound of Brian’s voice coming from behind his back. “The connection shouldn’t have been so powerful, not that quickly. The only reason why it turned that way is that there was already something between us. It made the link think of you as prey. Add to that how sensitive you are to that kind of magic, and it couldn’t go any other way.”

Tommy frowns as he tries to figure out a way to repeat everything Brian just said. “Hmm…”

“I heard him,” Adam says before Tommy can get a word out. 

That makes Tommy’s eyes grow wide, but he doesn’t remark on it. Instead he files the information away in a corner of his brain. There will be time later to figure it all out, once they’ve untangled more of the mess they’re caught in. 

Hearing Brian walk toward the bed, Tommy angles his body so he can see both of them. 

“The only reason the spell had that effect is that we were already heading that way,” Brian says, stopping a few inches from the bed. “Otherwise, it wouldn’t have done a thing.”

“How can you be so sure of that?” Adam asks.

“Remember why you tried to save Tommy that way?” Brian waits for an answer, but Adam shakes his head. “It was because the same thing happened to me with Rick, a couple of years earlier, and there were no consequences. And we were all so scared at that moment that none of us stopped to think.”

“Still, he didn’t have a choice.”

Tommy feels his temper rise at being talked about as if he wasn’t there. “Did you even listen to a word I said? I had a fucking choice.”

“He’s telling you the truth, Adam.”

Adam looks straight at Brian, and Tommy’s even more surprised when he realizes that, Adam isn’t just looking at something or someone he can’t identify. He’s looking at Brian. 

“Why was I never aware of it? If it’s true, I should at least have a hint of a memory. But there’s nothing.”

There’s a long moment of silence as Brian stares at Adam. Then he steps closer to the bed. His hand goes to the back of Tommy’s neck and grips, once, hard. Tommy digs his nails into his palms as he understands the silent warning. _No matter what you hear, don’t you dare react._

“Do you remember the way things were? I mean, between you and me?”

There’s something on Adam’s face then, something that Tommy can’t put a name to. It’s gone before he can wonder. 

“Mostly, yes.”

“Then you know that me offering Tommy that choice could have destroyed the balance between us.”

Tommy wants to protest that the only reason why Brian did it was because he was trying to fix things, but he can’t. It’s so frustrating. He’s not used to being unable to say what he thinks, and he has a feeling he’ll hate this conversation within minutes. Even though he understands that this is between Adam and Brian, and that under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have been here for it. 

“I don’t see how.” Adam replies, sounding as lost and confused as Tommy feels.

“You’re the one who established the connection with him. Technically, he’s yours, not mine.”

Tension settles in Tommy’s back as he tries his hardest not to jump into the conversation. What Brian just said hurts, yet at the same time Tommy can’t help but realize all the risks Brian took in order to make things easier for him and Adam. 

“Even the little I did for him that night could have upset everything. I had no guarantee that you wouldn’t see it as me trying to get him under my control. As me trying to remind you that I owned you.”

“Why did you do it then?”

Brian sits on the bed with them and reaches for Adam’s hand, stopping right before he touches him. As if, no matter how much he wants to, he doesn’t dare try because he’s afraid his hand will go through Adam’s body again. Without thinking, Tommy reaches across the covers for Brian’s hand, and squeezes, hard. 

Brian squeezes back, just a hint of pressure before he releases Tommy’s hand, and his smile is a little sad. “Because we wanted him to come to us willingly. Remember that?” 

Adam nods, and once more Tommy’s struck by how much Adam seems to remember without even trying, while a couple of days ago he had trouble believing everything Tommy was telling him. 

“The music – our hooks on him – was about to drive him mad,” Adam says, barely above a whisper. “That’s why I had such a hard time with it.”

“Yeah, I know. But by refusing to allow anything to happen that night, you were setting him up for the exact same dead-end.” Brian shrugs. “So I did what needed to be done to make sure that the need wouldn’t eat him up inside until there was nothing left for us to do but force consent out of him. Again.”

Adam’s shoulders go rigid. Tommy shivers, expecting an explosion. However, Adam only looks defeated when he says, “You didn’t know it would happen like that. You guessed.”

“A guess,” Brian repeats, nodding his head. “A guess based on the fact that it took Tommy for-fucking-ever to come to us even though the music prevented him from sleeping for days. I couldn’t risk him doing the same thing again.”

Adam doesn’t reply; he just looks down and frowns like he doesn’t quite understand what Brian just said. 

Tommy surprises himself by asking, “Why not?”

They both look at him with such intensity that he blushes, starting with his cheeks and creeping down his neck, and he has to make an effort not to focus his attention on the floor. 

He’s glad he didn’t get off the bed. If he’d been standing, the way they’re staring at him might have been enough to make him drop to his knees. 

As it is, he has to restrain himself from reaching for both of them, crossing his arms instead. The need is back, biting under his skin, but Tommy’s not going to hope until they’ve sorted out the mess they’re currently in. 

He still wants, still needs them both, but as he remember them. Not this broken version they’ve become thanks to someone else deciding to mess with their lives. 

And even as he thinks that, he’s reminded of the last six months. How much it hurt when he thought they’d decided to leave him behind without keeping any of their promises, when he thought they’d severed the connection on purpose. He never wants to go through that again. 

“Because we wanted you to be willing, Tommy.” Adam’s voice feels like a caress over Tommy’s skin. “That didn’t change.”

Tommy looks away before he can be reminded how much they care about him. It doesn’t matter. He’s still only human. In the end, they’ll have each other, and Tommy will be left alone. 

He can’t let himself forget that. It doesn’t matter how much he wants them, how much he needs them. That will always play a part, even though they all wish it wouldn’t.

So instead of letting their words and the way they’re looking at him, so familiar and good and safe, lure him, instead of letting that conversation go the way they all wish it would, Tommy says, “You do realize what it means, right? That we can all speak like this?”

“What are you talking about?” Adam asks.

Tommy smiles because he can’t believe that they didn’t notice it, that they didn’t see it. It’s often that way, though. As if the fact that Tommy’s still human let him see things in way they can’t anymore.

“The spell is falling apart.”


	3. Interlude - Everything to Lose

**Interlude – Everything to lose**

**3 years earlier**

Tommy’s late, and Ashley’s going to kick his ass for it. That’s all he can focus on, which might be why he doesn’t notice that Isaac is still unshaven and not at all ready to go out until after he’s through the door and handing Isaac his coffee and Sophie says, sounding completely confused, “Isaac, I thought you said you weren’t playing with them anymore.” 

Tommy stops dead in his tracks, staring at Sophie. Isaac looks embarrassed – and good for him, Tommy thinks, if what Sophie just said is true – as he says, “I haven’t talked to them yet. Think you can leave us alone, please?”

She nods and walks past them, with a smile for Tommy and a little squeeze of Isaac’s shoulder. Tommy waits until she’s safely on the other side of the apartment. “What the hell?”

“Just what she said. I won’t be playing with you guys anymore.”

Tommy’s left speechless for a second, but there’s no way he’s letting Isaac off that easily. “I got that part… no, fuck that, I don’t get it. But tell me you’re going to do the next gig. Come on, Isaac. We only have two weeks and no time left to bring in another drummer. You can’t bail on us like that!”

Isaac crosses his arms, letting Tommy know he’s getting to him. “Yes, I can.”

“You fucker.” Tommy sighs, sliding a hand through his hair, not caring that it’s going to make it stick up all over the place. “At least tell me why.”

“Can’t you guess?”

Yes, he probably could, but right now that’s the last thing he wants to do. “You’re gonna have to tell me.”

Tommy feels just a little pride when he sees Isaac hesitate. There’s no reason why he should be the only one who’s uncomfortable as fuck. “I can’t play with them anymore.”

Fuck. As if they needed this now. He doesn’t even need to ask who Isaac means. Ashley’s been into this with them from the beginning. If it was anything else, Tommy’s pretty sure he could convince Isaac otherwise, because this band has been their whole life for a long time now. 

However, Isaac isn’t the only who thinks that something’s a little… off about Adam and Brian. Tommy can feel it too, and he has a feeling Ashley’s starting to think the same thing. 

And while he gets it, he needs to ask. “Why?”

“You know why.” Isaac looks away. “There’s something wrong with them. I have nothing against you or Ash. You can call me crazy, but at this point, getting away from them feels like survival instinct not like I’m bailing on my friends.”

“That’s still what you’re doing,” Tommy reminds him. “I can’t believe this. We’ve been working our asses off for years. We’re finally about to go somewhere, and you’re bailing now?”

“Because all the music in the world isn’t worth it, Tommy. Can’t you see that?” Isaac sighs. “Didn’t you find it strange that we lost both Lucas and Dave in a matter of days, and the next thing we know, those two appear out of nowhere?”

Of course it was. But at the time they decided not to care because of how talented Adam and Brian were. And by now, Tommy’s very aware that their band wouldn’t have gotten very far without them. 

Before Tommy can say anything, though, Isaac continues with, “If you have an ounce of sanity left, you’ll do the same thing and get the fuck out while you still can.”

There’s something about what Isaac is saying that hits way too close to home, and it might be why Tommy refuses to listen to one more word, only saying, “Well, some of us still know what loyalty and friendship mean,” before he walks out. He’s aware that that was a cheap shot and that he probably just screwed up what was, until now, an amazing friendship, but it’s hard to care. 

His phone rings as soon as he walks out of Isaac’s place. A quick glance tells him that it’s Ashley, who probably wants to know when he’ll finally get there, so he answers with a, “Yeah, I know I’m late. I’m on my way.”

There’s a second of silence because Tommy obviously cut off whatever Ashley was about to say, then she asks, “Where are you?”

“Right outside Isaac’s place.”

“Oh, great, I was about to call him. You picked him up?”

Tommy rests his back against the wall. He has a feeling this won’t be fun. “He’s not coming.”

“What do you mean, he’s not coming? Is he sick?”

Tommy sighs. “We’ll have to look for a new drummer.”

“Please, Tommy, tell me you’re joking.”

“I wish I was.”

He starts walking again, because he’s already late enough as it is.

“Why?”

Tommy’s tempted to lie. But he’s aware that if he tries, Ashley will call Isaac and wrestle the truth out of him. 

“He said he can’t play with them anymore.”

He hears Ashley sigh. “I can understand that. It’s getting harder, isn’t it?”

It is, but they can’t let it stop them. Not when they are so close to having all their hard work finally get them somewhere. “Don’t tell me you want to quit. Don’t.”

“Of course not. I just…” He hears a door open and close, and Brian’s voice in the background. “We’ll talk when you arrive, okay?”

“I’m on my way,” Tommy says, again, before hanging up. 

Questions battle their way through his head for the whole drive. By the time he arrives, Ashley must have already told everyone that Isaac won’t be coming because no one asks him why he’s alone. 

Instead, as soon as he walks in, Ashley looks at him and says, “Brian might have a solution.”

“What is it?” Tommy asks as he joins them where they’re sitting. 

“An old friend of mine who, unless I’m wrong, is in between gigs right now. It won’t be perfect because we won’t have that much time to rehearse, but,” Brian shrugs, “he’s a good drummer. Maybe we can make it work.”

“We don’t really have a choice. Ask him,” Tommy replies, and he wishes it would stop there, but he can already see the tension in Ashley’s shoulder, and knows she has no intention of leaving without getting some answers. 

“You didn’t ask why,” Ashley says after a couple of second of silence.

Adam looks completely confused. “What are you talking about, Ash?”

“When I told you Isaac was bailing. You didn’t ask me why.”

“Because he’s your friend,” Brian replies. “Not ours.”

Tommy crosses his arms. “I thought we were all friends.”

Adam sighs. “Okay, I give. Why did he bail?”

Ashley throws a quick look at Tommy before she says, “He said he couldn’t play with you guys anymore.”

There’s a moment of shocked silence before Adam asks, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Tommy looks at the ground. Fear is clawing at his insides and he’s pretty sure Ashley’s not feeling much better. He can feel the tension grow every second. “She has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. Neither do I. But you guys do.”

“It’s none of your business,” Brian says, and Tommy knows he’s expecting them to drop the subject, but they can’t. Not now. 

“Yes, it is,” Ashley says, softly. “We don’t exactly know why Isaac dropped us, but we have an idea. He’s aware that there’s something not quite right with you guys, and he got to the point where he couldn’t stand it anymore. Me and Tommy aren’t going to do that – this band is our whole life – but we need to understand. Because we feel it too.”

Then she looks at Tommy, and he adds, “She’s right. We need to know what’s happening.” He hesitates for a second, and then says the only thing that he hopes might get them an explanation. “Call me crazy but, if you asked me? I’d say that the reason you feel off is that you’re not human.”

He watches them both tense as his own breath catches in his throat. Beside him, Ashley’s completely immobile. Tommy knows she can’t quite believe he finally said it, and he has to admit that he’s surprised, too, that he dared to say it out loud. As if, as long as that impression was kept deep inside his head, it couldn’t be true.

“They’re right, you know,” Adam says to Brian.

“Or we could just make them forget.”

Without thinking, Tommy reaches for Ashley’s hand. He’s glad when he feels Ashley’s nails dig into his palm, the little hint of pain stopping his fear from turning into full-on panic.

“If the glamor’s stopped working, it’s gonna be the same with any spell we try. You know that,” Adam says.

Brian only response is to stare at Adam, and it takes a few seconds before Tommy realizes they seem to be having a whole conversation without saying a word. Finally, Brian says, “They won’t believe the truth.”

“They will if I show them.”

Brian snorts. “You’re crazy. You know that?” As Adam nods and gives him a small smile, Brian says, “I’ll make sure the door is locked.”

Adam pushes back his chair. “Try not to freak out.”

Tommy’s jaw drops as he tries to understand what he’s seeing. Adam hasn’t moved, but suddenly there are… things that look suspiciously like wings coming out of his back. They’re as black as the hair on his head, with dark blue highlights where the light of their rehearsal space shines on them. 

Ashley tightens her grip on Tommy’s hand and gasps. “What are you?”

Adam shrugs and his wings are gone, out of sight. “What do you think?”

When Ashley replies, her voice is soft, dreamlike, “If I were a kid, I’d say you’re an angel. But I have a feeling you’re not the good guys.”

“You’re right,” Brian says as he walks toward them again. “There’s a reason why you feel so uneasy around us.” Yet he still doesn’t say what they are. 

Instead Adam asks, “Are you sure you want to know?” He sounds so lost that Tommy knows he’s hoping they’ll say they’ve heard enough and let it go. But he can’t back off after making it this far, and he’s sure it’s the same for Ashley. 

So he chooses to go with honesty, and admits, “I’m pretty sure we don’t want to know. But we need to. Otherwise, we’ll just get more and more uncomfortable around you. If this is going to work, we have to trust each other.”

There’s something in the way Adam stares at Tommy that lets Tommy know he’s understanding a lot more than what Tommy’s actually saying, but Tommy refuses to ask questions. Instead, he waits and lets the silence grow, holding onto Ashley’s hand like a lifeline. 

“It’s a little complicated,” Brian finally says, “but the gist of it? The ones who know of us call us demons or dark angels, depending on who you ask.”

Ashley laughs, a high-pitched sound like nails on a chalkboard. “You said that’s what they call you. You didn’t say that’s what you are.”

Brian stares at her, looking surprised. “It’s not that far from the truth. Humans are usually nothing but prey to us. We feed off human lives and human emotions. That’s probably why Isaac bailed. It’s just survival instinct.”

Tommy blinks. There’s getting explanations and then there’s… this. “Okay, wait a fucking minute. I have no idea what this,” he points to Adam, waves his hand to show he’s talking about the wings that sprouted from Adam’s back, “was, but angels, demons, the whole thing… they don’t exist.”

The only answer he gets is silence. Ashley tilts her head at him, as if she can’t quite believe that this is what he chooses to focus on. 

Brian stares at Tommy for a few seconds, to the point of making him uncomfortable, before he asks Adam, “Do you think you can drop the glamor for a second?”

“Not such a great idea.”

“I know,” Brian replies, still staring at Tommy. “That’s not what I asked.”

Adam sighs. “Yes, I can.”

“Wait maybe ten seconds then cast it again.” Once Adam nods, Brian offers his hand to Tommy. “Gimme your hand.”

Everything in Tommy recoils at the idea. “Why?”

“I just wanna show you something. Nothing more.”

A little part of Tommy is screaming that it’s the worst thing he could do. That he should go, run, head for someplace safe. It gets louder with every second that passes. Yet Tommy chooses to ignore it and takes Brian’s hand with his free hand. 

“Now, Adam.”

Tommy’s fear transforms into full-on panic. He can’t move, he can’t breathe, and he knows he’s about to lose himself. He feels like a fly caught in a spider’s web, aware of his oncoming doom and yet unable to do a thing about it.

Tension takes hold of his body. Through the fog overwhelming his mind, he barely feels Ashley tighten her grip on his hand, barely hears her frightened cry of, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Then Brian releases Tommy’s hand, and it’s like he’s been underwater too long and has just broken through the surface. He sucks in a breath, and then another one just to make sure he can. He’s sweating and he’s never been this scared in his whole life, but as he breathes, the fear subsides until nothing’s left behind except the vague unease that he and Ashley are used to.

Tommy swallows hard once, twice, then he finally gets his voice back. “What the fuck was that?”

“That was what we are.” Brian says. “That’s the reason Isaac ran away. You don’t have to believe in order for it to affect you. Everything in you knows that you should get the hell away from us.”

“Why haven’t we?” Tommy can’t help but ask. “If you’re telling the truth,” even though he doesn’t believe it yet, “Ash and me should want to run away too, no matter how much this band means to us.”

“That was a mistake on my part,” Adam says. “If I’d cast the glamor spell right, you wouldn’t have felt a thing. Isaac wouldn’t have run away, either.”

It takes a few seconds for that to sink in before Tommy says, “You cursed us.”

“Not a curse,” Adam says, in a voice suddenly full of panic. “Just a spell. It wasn’t meant to hurt you. Just to make sure you wouldn’t get a hint of what we are, and wouldn’t feel like running away every time we were in the same room.”

“You didn’t answer him,” Ashley says, squaring her shoulders. “Why aren’t we running away?”

Adam doesn’t reply and, for the first time, he looks uncomfortable. 

In the end, it’s Brian who says, pointing at Tommy, “He can’t. The spell is tied to him. And because you care about him a lot, you’re less likely to.”

“What about Isa—” Ashley tries to say.

Tommy, however, is long past the point of reasonable questions. “What the fuck do you mean, tied to me?”

“Holding more than one person under a spell is difficult,” Adam explains. “Especially with a glamor, since it needs to be replenished all the time. It’s not even a question of strength. It’s like… fighting multiple wills at the same time. It takes too much attention. The easiest way to get around that is to tie the spell to one person and word it so it affects people around them. If we’d had a better idea of how you guys worked, I’d have tied it to Ash, but back then, we didn’t.”

“So we went with the easiest way, which is to tie it to the person who’s the most sensitive to magic,” Brian continues, then looks at Tommy. “That’s you.”

“But how can I… I don’t even believe in any of that!”

Brian laughs a little at that. “As I said, that doesn’t protect you. It’s the other way around. Since you don’t believe, there’s nothing protecting you but your own will. And against us, that’s really not enough.”

Tommy still wants to say it’s impossible. Yet even though he has a hard time believing it, so many things suddenly make so much more sense. Besides, he can’t deny the way it feels. 

“That’s why you feel so uneasy around us,” Brian says. “Because something’s telling you that you might be in danger.”

There’s a long silence as Tommy tries to process what he just heard, and he knows Ashley’s having just as hard a time. In the end, it’s Ashley who dares to ask, “Are we?”

Adam shakes his head, firmly. “No, you’re not,”he says, all the conviction of the world in his voice. “We’re not about to do anything that would screw this up. Not after all the effort we’ve put into it.”

“How are we supposed to believe you?” Tommy asks. “If what you’ve said is true, how are we supposed to believe that we’re safe from whatever it is you guys can do?”

Instead of answering him, Adam stares at Brian. Once again, Tommy gets the creepy feeling that they’re carrying on a whole conversation without saying a word. 

Then Adam turns toward Tommy and Ashley again, and says, “I could remove the glamor and not cast a new one. There would be nothing compelling you, nothing making you stay.” Adam hesitates. “Nothing forcing you to keep our secrets.”

Tommy’s left speechless. Ashley must be having just as hard a time forming words, because it takes a few seconds for her to ask, “Why would you do that?”

Adam looks down at the ground. “Tommy’s right. If we want this to work, we need to trust each other. That includes believing that you two knowing the truth doesn’t mean you’ll run away and betray us.”

“We’d never do that,” Tommy tries to say.

Brian shakes his head. “We don’t know that. Neither do you, not until the spell is completely gone.”

Ashley looks at Tommy as if she’s not quite sure, but he’s aware she’s already made her decision and is only waiting for him to agree. He nods.

With a smile and a squeeze of Tommy’s hand, Ashley says, “Do it.”

Neither of them needs to hear Adam’s, “Done,” to know. Within a second, shivers of fear climb up Tommy’s back. He curls the hand not holding Ashley’s into a fist and takes a deep breath. He forces himself to focus on Adam and Brian, until he can see them as he did the last couple of months, and not as the creature of nightmares his mind – soul? Heart? Whatever it is – is trying to turn them into.

“Why?” Tommy can’t help but ask when the panic finally subsides. “Why us?”

“Because someone,” Brian glances at Adam, who’s stubbornly looking at the ground, “wanted to make music again. We just never expected to start caring about a bunch of humans.”

“Will it go away?” When it becomes clear that they have no idea what she’s talking about, Ashley does her hardest to explain. “That feeling like a murderer is about to jump out of the bushes every second. Now that we know the truth, will it go away?”

Adam nods. “It should. But it takes a lot of time. I have no idea if we, or you, will stick around long enough for that to happen.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Tommy says. “What I said earlier is still true. This band is my whole life. It would take a lot more than a nightmare coming true for me to forget that.” He’s smiling a little as he speaks, and he’s glad when he sees the tension seep out of Ashley’s shoulders.

“You’re crazy,” she whispers.

“What?” Tommy shrugs. “I’ve always enjoyed horror movies.”

It’s good to hear Ashley laugh, to see the hints of a smile on each of Adam’s and Brian’s faces. It gives Tommy a little hope that even this can be fixed. 

However, that feeling only lasts for a moment before Brian looks at them and says, “No one else can know about this, though.”

Ashley hesitates before asking, “What about Isaac?”

“No one,” Adam repeats. “He was about to run away. It wouldn’t change a thing to tell him. And besides, we’ve made some pretty powerful enemies over the years. The last thing we want is them coming after you.”

“Aren’t they…” Ashley smiles like even she think what she’s saying is ridiculous. “If the whole, angels and demons thing is true, then shouldn’t your enemies be, you know, the good guys?” Once Adam nods, she asks, “Then why would they come after us?”

“Because all they care about is annihilating us. They don’t really care if humans get caught in the crossfire. The young ones are fond of humans, but that’s only because their human existence isn’t that far behind them. It’s the same thing for us,” Brian says. “The older we get, the less human existence seems to matter.”

“And if they think we care,” Adam says, “then it would be tempting for them to try and attack us through you.”

“Is that likely to happen?”Ashley asks, showing an assurance contradicted by her tight grip on Tommy’s hand, letting him know that she’s as scared as he is.

“It won’t,” Brian says. “So long as it looks like you’re still under the glamor, you’ll be safe. They won’t try to attack us through you if they think you’re just,” he hesitates, “human pets.”

Again, it’s Ashley who dares to ask, her hackles rising, “Are we?”

“No, you’re not.” Adam says. “If we still thought of you that way, we wouldn’t have let our guard down. We’d have noticed that the glamor was wearing off and replenished it.”

“Why didn’t you?”

As soon as the words are out of Tommy’s mouth, both Adam and Brian focus on him. He feels like they can see right through him, and is annoyed at the blush that’s creeping over his face. 

“Because at some point along the way, we started caring.” Brian whispers, so low that both Tommy and Ashley move forward in their chairs, straining to hear him. “Because this became so much more than just a way for us to make music again. However, no-one else can know that. If our enemies think you guys are just,” again, Brian hesitates, “toys to us, they won’t dare do anything. Our claim should be strong enough to protect you.”

Tommy feels like someone hit him with a ton of bricks. It’s so many things to take in at once. And while he still has so many questions that require answers before he can feel safe again, this has to be enough for now.

Still, he throws a look at Ashley, waiting until he sees her nod before he says, “All right. It will be our secret.” He already feels a little less scared as he realizes how much trust Adam and Brian are putting into him and Ashley. 

“Okay.” Ashley stands up, “We still have to rehearse, right?”

Tommy smiles, but as they get into place and start setting up, he looks at Brian and asks, “And your friend, is he—”

“Nope,” Brian interrupts him. “Rick’s human. He’s just known me long enough that he’s not clueless.”

“Human,” Tommy repeats. “But you said he’s your friend.”

Brian smiles at that, a little sad. “That whole not caring about humans thing? It isn’t the first time it hasn’t worked out the way we wanted it to.”

Tommy nods slowly as he forces the worries out of his mind. Everything he’s just learned doesn’t seem to matter that much in the grand scheme of things.

Their band, and the music they get to make together, is what matters.


	4. Lost Without You

**3\. Lost Without You**

**Tommy**

“The spell is falling apart.”

As soon as Tommy says that, he sees Brian flicker and disappear again. It doesn’t last more than a second before he’s back. He probably has no idea that they can see him at first, though, because all the pain he’s going through shows on his face before he disappears again.

Adam blinks and looks at Tommy as he says, voice so soft Tommy barely hears him, “I can’t see him anymore.”

“I think he did it on purpose this time.” Tommy pushes himself off the bed and looks at Adam over his shoulder. “What are you waiting for? The last thing we need right now is to let him hide from us.”

The smile Adam throws at Tommy warms him to his core and he has a fleeting, gone too soon impression of Adam as he once was. “You think he’ll be that easy to find?”

“If he wants to be found, yes, I know exactly where he will be.”

They make their way across town, and as they get closer to their destination, Adam asks, “Why does this place feel so familiar?”

Tommy does his best to ignore the feeling that grabs him, the reminder that their lives are still, will always be, two different things. “Because it’s your spot, not mine. I only know this place through your memories. I’d never been there before you both disappeared.”

“How can you be so sure he’ll be there?”

“I’m not sure, I’m just hoping. Not the same thing.”

Adam doesn’t say anything more, and it takes Tommy a couple of seconds to realize that Adam’s waiting for him to explain. “It’s the place where you guys always met up when things went wrong. I ended up here the night I lost you both. So if Brian wants us to find him? He’ll be there, that’s not even a question.”

Once they make it to the building, they climb up to the roof, and just as Tommy was hoping – expecting – Brian is standing on the edge. He can’t help but say, just loud enough that Brian can hear him, “I told you he would be there.”

As they walk toward him, Brian stubbornly refuses to look at them. “What are you two doing here?”

The dismissive tone is obviously meant to make them doubt and maybe even turn around. Instead, Tommy walks up to him and links both of his arms around Brian’s waist, focusing on Brian in order to forget the height, holding tight until Brian can’t help but turn around and hold Tommy close. 

The couple of seconds it takes for Adam to join them seem to stretch into eternity until finally, it’s the three of them again, holding each other as if they never want to let go. 

“If you didn’t want to be found, Bri,” Tommy whispers, “You’d have gone somewhere else. You knew that we’d look for you, and that we’d come here first. .”

Once Tommy’s said that he waits, but he doesn’t get an answer. He only hopes that it doesn’t mean that Brian is trying to figure out a way to lie to them. Brian should know them both well enough to be aware that that wouldn’t lead to anything good. 

Before he can say anything, he feels Adam sway. 

“Are you okay?” Brian asks.

Adam shakes his head. “I’m getting dizzy.”

“Too much sun?” Tommy asks. He might not know everything, but he remembers quite well that Adam never spent much time in the sun. That, actually, he never even really went out during the day, and neither did Brian,

“Yeah.” Brian nods. “It’s probably what’s prevented him from healing the last couple of months.”

Adam doesn’t say a word, so Tommy looks straight at Brian. “Let’s get him back home.” 

Tommy says it in a way that makes it clear he’s not giving them a choice, even though everything in his attitude is daring them to refuse. Instead, Brian gives him a soft smile.

“You’re right. Let’s go home.”

***

Tommy doesn’t ask anything until they make it back home. He’s too focused on getting Adam somewhere safe. However, as soon as they are safely behind closed curtains and curled on the couch and chairs in the living room, Tommy attacks. 

He waits until the cups of tea are on the coffee table but no longer before he asks, “Why the hell did you disappear like that?”

From his spot in the chair in front of the couch where both Adam and Brian are sitting, Tommy watches as Brian grabs a cup, and as Adam does the same. Instead of inching closer, though, Adam stays in his corner of the couch, curled in on himself. It makes Tommy’s heart sink.

Brian sighs and Tommy wonders if they’re thinking the same thing. That they’re so very fucking far from getting what they had back. 

“You going to tell us, or what?” 

The impatience in Adam’s voice makes Brian look up and gives Tommy just a little hope. Adam suddenly seems so very close to his old self. Stubborn and expecting answers, without a care as to whether he should be getting said answers or not. 

Blowing on his tea to make sure he won’t burn his mouth with it, Brian frowns before he dares to say, “I met the source of our problems.”

Within seconds, Adam slides closer on the couch until his thigh is touching Brian’s. Tommy practically leaps from his chair and pulls the ottoman closer until he’s sitting right in front of Brian, with barely an inch between their legs. 

They both reach out toward Brian and stop at the last moment, not really daring to touch him. 

“Are you okay?” Tommy asks, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence. 

“She didn’t hurt me.” Brian looks at the floor. “She told me how to get rid of the spell.”

It takes Adam’s hand on Brian’s to make him look at Adam and Tommy again as Adam asks, “Why would she do that?”

“Because…” Brian hesitates, and for a second, Tommy worries that they won’t be getting any real answers. “I need to figure out if she told me the truth about something else first. Before I tell you.”

“But you will, yes? Once you’re sure?” Tommy asks.

Brian shrugs. “Why wouldn’t I?” He looks from Tommy to Adam, but doesn’t give them the reassurance they’re expecting. “Do you seriously think I would lie about that?”

“If you think that you’d somehow be protecting us, yes, you would.” Adam says, grabbing the tea cup out of Brian’s hands, and smiling a little as he puts it on the coffee table. “The spell really is falling apart, isn’t it?”

It’s only then that Tommy realizes that Brian was actually holding the cup and drinking from it, something he wouldn’t have been able to do a couple of hours ago.

“Yes, it is,” Brian agrees, and finally he forces out the words they want to hear. “As soon as I know if she told me the truth, I’ll tell you what I learned. I promise.”

Tommy inches a little closer. “What it is that you need to check?”

Brian shakes his head. “Not me. I’m pretty sure I can’t access enough of my powers to do it myself. Adam will have to do it.”

“If you’re talking about magic, without you shielding me, the aftermath is going to hit me way too hard. You know that.”

Everything Adam said makes sense, but still Brian shakes his head.

“All you need to do is to have Tommy open himself up and check for something. You don’t even need to reach for your own magic.”

“Why can’t you do it, then?” Adam asks.

“Because I don’t have enough reach in the real world.”

Tommy’s shoulders tense. “What are you expecting him to find on me?”

There’s another hesitation, and Tommy knows that Brian is trying to find a way to dance around the truth. Right before Tommy can call him out on that, though, Brian says, “That girl said she planted the spell on you.”

“But that’s impossible. I mean, wouldn’t you or Adam have noticed it before?”

“Not if we weren’t looking for it or if we were distracted by something else,” Brian replies, obviously trying his hardest to hide his discomfort. “She said she did it at the same time as the purification spell. We were already freaking out over what that spell might do to you. We didn’t think of looking for something else.”

“Is that all it was?” Adam looks like he’s about to explode. “A fucking diversion?”

“Apparently. That’s why we need to check.” Brian looks at Tommy. “Will you let him?”

Tommy tenses all over. He doesn’t even want to think about what this would mean if it’s true. His voice is tight as he asks, “Why would she tell you all of this? What’s her point?”

“If she’s told me the truth, she meant for us to figure this out. That was part of her plan.” Brian doesn’t add anything else, making Tommy want to scream in frustration. Does Brian really think that hiding anything from them at this point will help? 

“Her plan to do what?” 

Adam’s getting as antsy as Tommy, but Brian shakes his head. “Stop asking. I won’t be telling you until we’ve checked if that spell really is hidden inside Tommy. If it’s not, there’s no reason to believe a single fucking word of what she’s told me.”

Silence is the only answer he gets. Then Adam extends his hand toward Tommy. “Gimme your hand.”

“Do you remember how to do this?” Brian asks.

“Not in the sense of being able to explain it, but otherwise… yes. I do.”

Slowly, Brian nods, even though his expression shows that he’s not completely reassured. It worries Tommy a little too, but at this point, he can’t help but think that some risks are worth it. He only hopes Adam somehow still knows what he’s doing. 

Tommy links his fingers through Adam’s and focuses on every little point where they touch as if nothing else existed. His breath evens out as his eyes close, but he can feel Adam tense with every second that passes, holding Tommy’s hand tight enough to hurt.

Tommy releases a shaky breath, opens his eyes and asks, “What did you see?” Although he already has a good idea of what Adam’s answer will be.

“I wish I could say nothing,” is all Adam dares to say.

Tommy hears Brian curse under his breath, but nothing more. Tommy sighs. Brian has to tell them the truth. If they’re going to have a chance of surviving this, he doesn’t have a choice, but he remains silent.

“You have to tell us, Bri.” Tommy reaches for Brian’s hand. “You promised you would.”

Brian squeezes Tommy’s fingers, and while he doesn’t seem to dare reaching for Adam too, he moves his thigh until they are touching. 

“She said the spell wasn’t meant to last that long. That it was supposed to fall apart.”

“But why?” Adam asks.

“Because once it does, it will blow away your memories again. Completely this time, and without any hope of you getting them back. It will annihilate me.”

Tommy’s heart beats ten times faster as he realizes what this all means, and then cold dread grabs him because of how careful Brian was not to mention him. He asks, barely above a whisper, “ And me?”

There is a long pause before he finally gets an answer. “If we’re not there to shield you from the spell, it will kill you.”

There’s a second of shocked silence. Then Tommy asks again, this time with more confidence even though he feels none of it. “But you said she told you how to stop the spell, right?”

Brian nods. “But the only way to undo that spell wouldn’t do any good.”

“No good,” Tommy repeats. “At all? Really?”

Brian sighs, but Tommy holds his gaze, refusing to let him back down until Brian finally says, “It would give me my body back, and Adam, his memories. Probably allow him to heal, too.”

“I see nothing wrong with that.”

Once again, Tommy notices that Brian carefully didn’t mention him, but he refuses to pay attention to that detail. However, he can feel Adam’s unease, and knows that Adam remembers just enough to know exactly why Brian said it wouldn’t do any good.

So when Brian doesn’t explain the problem, it’s Adam who does. “The only way to destroy a spell when it’s carried by someone is to kill that person. We’re not doing that.”

The news hits Tommy like a ton of bricks, but he’s already thinking of ways they could get around it. Besides, if the only other alternative is letting the spell run its course and kill him anyway, it might be worth taking a risk, even of the most insane kind.

He can see that they’re both expecting him not to argue, but he has to. “But there’s a way, right?”

It’s enough to get all of their attention on Tommy. “Tommy…” The warning is clear in Adam’s voice. 

Tommy lets go of Brian’s hand and pushes the ottoman back a little so he can look at them both. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not saying I have a death wish.” Tommy shrugs. “Just… there’s a way for it to happen without me dying, isn’t there?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Adam seems completely lost, but from the way Brian looks at Tommy it’s clear that he already knows what Tommy means. And that he doesn’t agree.

Still, Tommy can’t let that stop him. Not when the stakes are so huge. “You know what I’m talking about.”

“Yes, I do.” Brian shakes his head. “But that’s not happening.”

“Why not?”

“The risk is too big.”

Tommy lowers his gaze to the floor. For a second he’s tempted to let it go, then he reminds himself that the only alternative is for him to lose everything. When he looks up again, he knows all the determination in the world must show in his eyes. “Do I look like I care?”

“Will one of you explain what the fuck you’re talking about?” Adam sounds annoyed, probably both because they’re talking like he isn’t there and because he doesn’t know what they mean and can’t remember, no matter how hard he tries. 

“All I’m saying is, maybe it’s the only way to stop the spell. That doesn’t mean I have to stay dead.”

From the look on Adam’s face, he’s still completely lost.

With a sigh, Brian explains, “He wants me to do the same thing I did for you. Kill him, share my essence with him and bring him back.”

Adam’s left speechless and Tommy can see the tension written all over his body. Tommy bites his lip. If the memories aren’t there yet, the need to protect Tommy from everything is firmly back, and with it, one more obstacle in Tommy’s way. It will be so much harder to convince them if Adam is on Brian’s side.

“Why isn’t it a possibility?”

Tommy can’t help but let the pain show in his voice. He knows they don’t mean to hurt him, but it still feels like a rejection, plain and simple.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I can’t. I’m still caught between two worlds. In order to do it, I’d need my body back. For that to happen, the spell has to be defeated.”

“I still don’t see the problem,” Tommy tries to argue.

Brian grabs both of Tommy’s hands in his as he explains. “I can’t guarantee that I’d be fast enough. You might already be dead by the time I reach you.”

“Is that the only reason you’re saying no?”

Brian nods. Then Adam says, softly, “Bring him here. Please.”

The words are so familiar that it feels like Adam is finally back. Tommy’s face grows hot at the sudden rush of desire that takes hold of him. It’s all so familiar and so very scary at the same time. Getting this back, even in such a small dose, might be enough to make him want to never let it go again. 

Brian drops his voice to a whisper and asks, “Let me?”

Tension seeps out of Tommy’s frame. It’s so very tempting he can’t resist. “Please.”

Without another word, Brian manhandles Tommy onto the couch, half in Adam’s lap, caught between the two of them. Tommy curls in their embrace as a happy sigh escapes him. 

“Yes,” Adam says, after a few seconds of silence, “It’s the only reason. Every other complication we could deal with. But not if it means you risking your life.”

Slowly, Tommy turns his head and looks at Adam over his shoulder. “I get that. Couldn’t you do it?”

Adam shakes his head and Tommy can hear Brian sigh in relief. He tenses again as his anger climbs. He can’t help but think that it would solve everything and yet, they’re refusing him.

“I’m too young.”

“Too young?” Tommy repeats, incredulous, because it sounds so much like an excuse.

“Not strong enough yet,” Brian explains. “If it worked, and that’s a big if, it would take so much of his energy that it would annihilate him.”

When Tommy doesn’t reply, Brian add, softly, “And I already told you why I can’t do this.”

Tommy doesn’t say a thing. Instead he closes his eyes and does his best to relax as he sinks deeper in their embrace, prompting them to get closer to each other. He hides in the comfort of their arms until he finds the courage to say what he wants to say, even though he’s aware they don’t want to hear it. “I miss this. Bad enough that I think it’s worth the risk. Especially if the alternative will kill me anyway.”

It doesn’t even take half a second for Brian to reply, “No, it’s not worth it. There might be a way for us to stop the magic from hurting you.”

Tommy laughs, but he’s not joyful about any of this. If, maybe, possibly. Do they even listen to themselves? “And if it works, and that’s a big if, and I somehow live? I lose you both. I still say we should try.”

“There is a way for us to save you,” Adam repeats. What’s sad is that he really believes it, as if he’s forgotten the rules of magic, even though they’re so simple that even Tommy can understand them. “And you get to have a life.”

Tommy snorts and shakes his head. “A life that I’ll live alone, knowing exactly what I could have had but never will.”

“You’re being melodramatic,” Brian sighs.

“No, I’m being realistic. You’ve both ruined me for human lovers.”

He’s expecting Brian to tell him he’s being over-dramatic, again, but there must be something in the casual way Tommy states it that shows he’s thought about every word he’s said. And thing is, he has. 

He’s spent month having to avoid certain places, certain people because they felt so familiar in the worst way, aware that the reason they felt familiar would be his downfall. That if he wasn’t careful, he would end up as somebody’s human slave because he was so desperate to get back what now feels, to him, good and safe and right.

Adam pulls Tommy closer and whispers, “We never meant to mess up your life like that.”

“You started messing up my life as soon as you joined our band.” Tommy keeps his voice soft, trying his hardest not to make the words sting too much. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t resent them for what happened, for what might happen. They’re already both feeling guilty enough as it is. 

“Is there another way out of this mess? And I don’t mean a possibility or a maybe, I’m talking about an actual solution.” Tommy’s voice hardens as he warns them, “Don’t lie to me.”

It takes a couple of seconds before Brian finally says, “There isn’t.”

“Then please try.” The please softens the words, but Tommy knows his tone of voice doesn’t leave any room for doubts. He’s not asking. He’s telling them what needs to be done. “It’s worth the risk.”

He can see that Brian’s out of arguments, but Brian still looks at Adam, obviously expecting him to stop what he considers like madness. “I can’t feed in the state I’m in. But he needs to still be breathing by the time you’re done. Otherwise, I won’t be able to do anything.”

Something close to panic washes over Adam’s face. It’s gone quickly, but it’s enough for Tommy to understand that Adam’s perfectly aware this is just one more risk on top of a pile of risks. Adam’s memory is tricky at best, and now he needs to make sure that the spell is destroyed and that Tommy’s still breathing when he’s done. 

With a gentle hand, Adam makes Tommy turn his head toward him. “You’re aware it might not work, right?”

Slowly, Tommy nods. 

Adam hesitates before asking, his voice dropping, “You’re aware of the consequences?”

Tommy groans. He’s sure they can both feel his anger rising. “What other option do we have? The last six months have been hell. There were places and people I had to avoid because just being near them made the need for you claw under my skin. If you both disappear again, I have no idea how long I’ll last.”

“You’re trying to make us feel guilty,” Brian says.

“No. I’m just telling you the truth. That’s why I think the risk is worth it. I have nothing to lose.”

Maybe Tommy has nothing to lose, but he can see that Brian thinks that he and Adam, however, have everything to lose. Still Brian doesn’t argue. They’re out of options and they all know they’re running out of time. 

With a sigh, Brian takes his attention off Tommy and looks at Adam. “Give it a shot.”

Adam pulls Tommy closer and does just that. He tries. Tommy doesn’t even need to see the frustration on Adam’s face to know it’s not working. He doesn’t feel a thing and can’t find it in himself to relax, staying stiff as a board in Adam’s arms. 

Adam shakes his head, and Brian curses. Tommy sighs. Couldn’t one fucking thing be easy for a change?

“Can I ask you something?”

Tommy shrugs. “Sure.”

“You said that in the last six months, there were places and people that you had to avoid. But I would bet anything that you couldn’t do it all the time. Right?”

“Of course. I found a way to keep them out,” Tommy says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. And it would be, if it wasn’t for the fact that he suspects it’s just one more thing that could make everything go wrong. 

Brian pushes himself back so he’s not touching either of them, then he lowers his voice as he orders, “Come here.”

Tommy frowns and doesn’t move. “What are you doing?”

“You know what I’m doing. Don’t argue and come here, boy.”

Tommy tenses. Not now, not like this. It isn’t right. He digs in his heels even harder. “Don’t. You promised, you fucking asshole.”

“Those walls and barriers that you used over the last six months to keep those who felt like us out are now stopping Adam from getting a good handle on you. We need to go through them, and there aren’t many ways to do that.” 

Tommy understands what Brian is saying but he can’t process it. He’s not ready to go there again, not when he has no idea how long it will be before he loses them. “Not like this, please?”

Tommy’s heart breaks when Brian’s gaze hardens and he shakes his head. “It’s the only way that will leave you with your sanity. Anything else could destroy you.”

“Please, baby,” Adam whispers in Tommy’s ear. “Listen to him.”

“Not fair to have you both ganging up on me like that. There has to be another way.” Tommy stares at Brian, daring him to disagree.

He hears Adam murmur again, “Please, baby. It’s the only way we can help you.”

There’s no way Tommy can refuse. Not when he’s aware that if he does, he’ll only succeed in giving them an excuse not to go through with this. And he can’t take the risk of waking up alone again tomorrow morning. Not when the first time around nearly broke him. 

Tommy’s still staring at Brian, feeling betrayed in the worst way. Even though he knows he has to go through with this, he can’t bring himself to move.

Brian sighs. “Come on, Tommy. I won’t force you into anything. But right now? If Adam tries, he’ll kill you without giving me a chance to save you.”

It takes Tommy a few seconds to get to the point where the fear fades far enough into the background that he can slip out of Adam’s arms. 

Brian spreads his legs and pats the space between them. “Come here. Lean back against me.”

With his back to Brian, Tommy settles between Brian’s legs and rests his head on Brian’s chest. Gently, Brian pulls Tommy closer with one arm around his waist and fits his other hand to the span of Tommy’s throat. “Okay?” he whispers against Tommy’s hair.

Tommy’s still tense all over. He has to force a couple of deep breaths in and out before he finally feels comfortable enough to give the tiniest nod of his head. 

Brian tightens his grip around Tommy’s waist. “Close your eyes.”

Tommy swallows hard as he obeys. Even though Brian said he wouldn’t force him into anything, it still feels like everything that Tommy isn’t ready to face yet. 

“Focus on the music,” Brian whispers.

It’s enough to bring tears to Tommy’s eyes, to make him even tenser. “There’s no more music.” His voice breaks. “There’s nothing. I can’t hear it. No matter how hard I try. You’re gone.”

“But you’re still there,” Brian reminds him. “That’s what you need to listen for.”

Tommy shakes his head and struggles to get out of Brian’s arms. “It hurts. It’s not music, it’s,” _pain ripping him apart, an agony that never stops, losing a part of his soul over and over again, the knowledge that he’ll never get it back,_ “just a cacophony.”

Brian tightens his grip on Tommy’s waist. “It can be music again. But you have to help us, Tommy.”

Tommy tries, he really does, but within seconds he’s a mess, holding back tears as best as he can, keeping his mouth shut tight in order not to scream. He can hear it now, his guitar screaming and wailing deep within him, each discordant sound hurting him even more.

He’s rocked in Brian’s arms as he silently sobs, his body tensing without a sound escaping his mouth. 

He hears it then, piercing through the fog surrounding him. It’s not really music yet; it can’t be since he doesn’t feel it. He’s aware in a distant way that it has to be Adam humming softly, getting closer so his voice can make it through the waves of pain that have taken Tommy prisoner. 

Yet even though he can’t feel the music, and he knows that it’s not back inside him, it helps. If only because music has always been the best thing in his life. 

Slowly, as Tommy allows himself to find comfort in Brian’s arms, to find refuge in the safe haven Adam’s voice always provides, his guitar stops wailing. 

It’s not singing in happiness yet. Tommy doubts that will happen again, at least not any time soon, but it’s not hurting him anymore. He hears a soft note here and there, a little riff sometimes. It’s tentative, but it doesn’t feel like it’s trying to rip him apart. 

The tears recede without him ever letting them fall. He lets those hints of music hold him until he’s lax in Brian’s arms, and all the pain is gone. 

He feels more than he hears the, “Good boy,” that Brian whispers against his hair. 

The couch dips as Adam movess closer and brings a hand to Tommy’s head, fingers gently grasping his bangs. “Tommy? Baby, can you hear me?”

Tommy nods. While he’s aware it’s not enough, he can’t make a sound beyond a little, “Hmm-hmm.”

The touch in his hair turns into a caress. “Look at me, baby.”

Tommy has to make an effort to open his eyes, and even then, his vision is blurry enough that it takes a couple of seconds for him to focus on Adam. 

There is so much heat in Adam’s eyes that the immensity of what he’s about to do hits Tommy full-on. He tenses again, but that feeling only lasts until Adam murmurs, “I won’t hurt you, baby. I promise.” Somehow Tommy believes him. 

“Look at me,” Adam says again. “Just focus on me. Can you do that?”

Tommy can only nod and Adam sighs. It’s obviously as hard for him as it is for Tommy.

As promised, Tommy doesn’t feel any pain, just an uncomfortable pinch on the side of his neck. Adam’s gaze is a lifeline as Tommy starts feeling weaker with every second that passes.

He fights to keep his eyes open, but it gets harder and harder. He can hear panic in Adam’s voice. “Look at me, Tommy, don’t let go. You have to stay with us. Please, baby, do it for me.”

Right before darkness swallows Tommy, Adam pulls him upright and he feels hands on the skin of his back. His body bows as a confused mess of sensation hits him, pain and joy and anger and sweet, sweet desire. Then he doesn’t feel anything. 

***

 **Adam**

“Did it work?” Adam asks.

They carried Tommy into the bedroom and laid him down on the bed. They’re now sitting at the other end of the bed, talking quietly, as if Tommy was really sleeping and they don’t want to wake him up. 

“We’ll know when he wakes up.” If he wakes up. Brian doesn’t say it out loud, but Adam hears every word clear as day. There’s a possibility that it won’t happen. That’s why Adam panicked earlier. He could feel Tommy getting weaker and weaker in his arms, yet Brian was still not in a state to do anything to help. 

Adam can’t help worrying that they were too late. That Tommy simply won’t wake up. And since the spell is gone, Adam’s memories are back, as well as the feelings that go with them. 

He remembers all too well the weeks of tossing and turning at night instead of sleeping, searching for the phantom touch of Tommy and Brian in his bed.

He remembers reaching for them, his fingers closing over air as he realized, once again, that he was alone. Yet every time he closed his eyes, they were back with him. 

Phantom touches that he thought existed only in his mind, but that felt so real at night. 

Kisses stealing his breath away. Fingers leaving bruises on his skin. Scratches and nibbles. Teasing caresses. 

He always woke up sweaty, scared, and lonely, sometimes with guitar riffs and notes from a piano echoing through his mind. Feeling like he’d just lost a part of his soul.

He’s aware that losing Tommy would mean enduring that all over again, without any hope of ever setting things right. 

He can’t help but feel guilty. It must show on his face, because Brian asks, “What’s on your mind?”

“I’m thinking that I should have seen it from the start.” Brian throws him a confused look, so Adam explains, “The spell. I feel like it’s my fault because I didn’t see it when they first attacked Tommy.”

Gently, Brian grasps Adam’s hand in his. “You found what you were looking for and you didn’t think of searching any farther. I didn’t, either. It’s my fault as much as yours. Besides, do you really think you could have thought rationally while Tommy was still in danger? I know I couldn’t.”

Adam nods. He can’t argue with that, but still. “We weren’t supposed to mess up their lives, remember?”

“Oh, Adam, please.” Brian tightens his grip on Adam’s hand. “Stop with the guilt-trip. You knew the temptation would be there from the start. You just chose not to care because you wanted your music back so badly.”

Adam looks down at the ground, embarrassed. He knows Brian’s right, but it hurts a little to think about how clueless he was. 

“I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. It’s just the truth.”

Still, it takes Adam a few seconds to look at Brian again. “What will happen once he wakes up?”

“I wish I knew, but I have no idea. It depends on too many things.”

Adam frowns as he tries to figure it out. “What do you mean?”

There’s a soft smile on Brian’s face as he asks, “Do you remember the first couple of days?”

“Yeah.” Adam lets the memories carry him for a moment, enjoying the peace they bring him. “You were my whole focus.”

“Here’s the thing. You took his life away, and I gave it back to him. That’s not how it usually goes. I can’t say what the consequences of that will be.”

Adam sighs. It feels like nothing can ever be simple. Not with them. Not with the enemies they’ve made over the years. A fresh wave of guilt assaults him when he realizes that they’ve put Tommy even more firmly in the middle of it. 

“Stop,” Brian says, softly. “What’s done is done. There’s no use feeling guilty over it. Beside, he was right. We had no other solution.”

Adam knows Brian’s telling the truth, but it’s a little hard to handle. It was their only way out, but he’s aware that it could destroy everything. 

“What about us?” he asks.

“Same thing. We’ll know when he wakes up.”

Shaking his head, Adam says, “I mean, you and me.” He has a hard time getting the words out. He’s pretty sure he won’t like the answer.

Brian tightens his grip on Adam’s hand again, as if he’s afraid Adam will disappear if he lets him go. “After the way things happened, I have no idea.”

Now that his memories are back, Adam remembers how fragile the balance between them could be. How adding Tommy into their relationship both kept them together and, occasionally, pushed them apart. He realizes that, now, it could be ten times worse. 

Still, he can’t help but argue, “But I know why things happened this way. It’s not like we had any other choices.”

“You’re right. But there could be a really big difference between what you know and understand, and the way it will feel to you once everything’s done.”

Adam’s pretty sure that he won’t like the answer but he needs to ask, “What do you mean?”

Brian’s eyes darken as he obviously struggles to find the right words. “Before I turned you, you were already mine. Brought to me like a moth to a flame.”

Adam nods. Even if he didn’t remember, he knows he would feel that down to his core. 

“But Tommy was yours. By turning him, I destroyed your claim on him. It doesn’t matter that you agreed or that this is what you wanted. How you feel about it once he wakes up might change everything.”

A shiver climbs its way up Adam’s spine. He tries his hardest not to let the fear swallow him whole. “I need you,” he whispers. “I need you both.”

He feels gentle fingers on his cheek, making him turn his head toward Brian.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just saying it probably won’t be easy.”

Adam shrugs. “When has anything ever been easy?”

He might be acting like it doesn’t matter, or like it’s not that scary, but he really is worried. Both about Tommy’s reaction and the effect it will have on himself. He was telling the truth earlier. He needs them both. Losing this would be like losing everything. 

Before Brian can say anything more, Tommy blinks and groans in pain as he brings his hands to his face. 

Without missing a beat, Brian grabs Tommy’s ankle. “Close your eyes. Take a deep breath.”

Something breaks in Adam’s chest when he notices how easily Tommy obeys. He closes his fists, nails digging little crescents in his palms as he tries to keep in the scream that’s building in him, pain and frustration and rejection all at once.

“You have to close your mind first,” Brian says, softly. “Do you remember how to do that or do I need to walk you through it?”

Tommy presses his hands harder against his eyes. “Help. Please.”

Brian lets go of Adam’s hand and moves closer to Tommy. Adam’s breath catches in his throat as the pain becomes tangible, making him choke to the point that air can’t get through. He needs to get out of here, and fast. 

The only thing that could hold him back would be one of them calling out his name. Of course, it doesn’t happen. Tommy’s hurting, and Brian’s whole focus is on him. If Adam stays, though, it feels like the hole in his chest will only get wider with every second that passes.

The only thought in his head is that he doesn’t want to be found. He does his best to ignore the pain and lets instinct drive him, even though the rising sun is making it harder to stay outside. 

When he slows his steps, he finds himself in a small park that is, at this hour of the day, still empty. He sits on the side of a small pond, hidden by the trees, and sighs in relief when he realizes that he’s finally finding some of the peace he needs so badly. 

For a second, he hears guitar riffs and notes from a piano at the back of his mind. Without thinking further, he closes himself off so he doesn’t have to hear the harmony that will happen without him. 

The thought sends a wave of nausea through him and brings pinpricks of tears at the corner of his eyes. That’s why he left. Because all the efforts they’ve made won’t matter in the end. The spell released him, and yet Adam is still lost. 

He can feel the sun coming up, making him drowsy and numb, but he stays where he is, barely hidden by the shade of the trees. 

He doesn’t want to move and is glad when clouds obscure the sky and allow him to stay a little longer. He can’t spend the day outside, he’s very aware of that, yet he can’t help but cling to the little bit of peace he’s found here.

He keeps his mind closed so tight that he doesn’t feel anyone approaching, and nearly jump out of his skin when he hears Brian say, “I had a feeling I’d find you here.”

Adam opens his mind for no more than half a second, just long enough to realize, “You’re alone.”

“It’s gonna take a couple of months before he’s strong enough to stay outside during the day. He’s waiting for me to bring you back home.” As he says that, Brian sits beside Adam, being very careful not to touch him.

“Why?” Adam can’t help but ask. “He doesn’t need me.”

“I know you might not believe me right now, but yes, he does.” Brian reaches for Adam’s hand and holds it tightly enough that it feels like he’s never going to let go. “And he’s not the only one.”

“That’s not the way it feels to me.” Adam’s tempted to pull his hand away but he doesn’t dare.

“This is what I meant when I said I had no idea how it would feel for you.” Brian sighs. “That spell didn’t just screw up your body. It also held your mind for months. I’m pretty sure it’s still messing with you.”

“You’re probably right,” Adam admits. Yet he doesn’t move a muscle. 

Brian pulls on Adam’s hand to bring him closer. Adam doesn’t fight it, but he’s still tense all over. 

“Do you know how I knew where to find you?” Adam shakes his head then Brian asks, “Do you remember what this place is?”

Adam shrugs. “I used to come here when I was still human. It always felt peaceful and safe.”

“Yeah. And then, one night, when you decided that you were ready? This is where you brought me.” Brian drops his voice to a whisper, so low that Adam has to strain to hear him. “This is where I turned you.”

Adam shivers as memories that he can’t, that he doesn’t want to fight engulf him. It’s been so long, and yet, it feels like it happened yesterday. Every detail is still fresh in his mind. 

“Do you remember what I said that night?”

It takes a moment for Adam to remember, and when he does, it breaks his heart a little bit more. _If you tell me yes now, I’m never letting you go_. He waits until the first wave of pain subsides before nodding.

Brian’s hand finds Adam’s cheek, making him turn his head. “I still mean it, even if you don’t believe me. The spell hasn’t released you. Not completely. Let me free you. Let me take you home and take care of you.”

There’s nothing Adam wants more than to say yes and find his peace in the haven of Brian’s arms, but first, he has to ask. “What about Tommy?”

“He’ll tell you himself. But you have to listen for real this time. Don’t just hear what you’re expecting instead of what he’s actually saying.”

Adam still feels like he’s about to lose everything that matters to him. It scares him so badly that he has to force the words out. “Take me home. Please.”

***

Within seconds of Adam stepping through the door, Tommy’s wrapped around him, holding him so tight he can barely breathe. “Don’t you dare disappear like that again.” Tommy mouths the next word against the skin of Adam’s neck. “Asshole.”

Adam can’t help but chuckle because some things never change. “I’m not going anywhere. It just felt like it wasn’t my place.”

Without a word, Brian steps closer and molds himself to Adam’s back. It would be easy, so easy to let go. But no matter how much Adam wants, needs to know he has them both and that he’ll never lose them, fear still holds him back. 

“Yes, it is,” Tommy whispers. “You belong here with us. Let us remind you. Please.”

It’s tempting but it still feels wrong, somehow. “This should be about you.” He brushes his fingers through Tommy’s hair. “Not about me.”

Slowly, Tommy raises his head to look Adam in the eyes. “I have what I wanted. And Brian’s already fed me. I’m not desperate yet.” He waits until Adam nods, until it’s clear that what he just said didn’t make Adam feel rejected again. “What I need is to have you both with me as I remember you, not as this messed-up version we’ve become.”

Brian tightens his grip on Adam. “I told you. The spell is still holding you. That’s why everything feels out of place. Give us a chance to get you back.”

When it becomes clear that Adam can’t say anything, Tommy raises himself on his tiptoes and takes Adam’s face in his hands. “I’m fine. I’m more than fine. What I need is to have what we had back. For that to happen, you have to remember not just the events, but also the way they felt. Please, let us help.”

Adam shakes his head, but neither of them budges, refusing to let him leave their embrace when he tries to. “It doesn’t feel right.” He has no hope of explaining more clearly how alien it suddenly feels to him. He has his memories back, but there’s a disconnection between what he knows and the way it feels. That feeling was only amplified when Tommy woke up and Brian reached for him. 

“It can be whatever we want it to be,” Brian whispers in Adam’s ear. “That hasn’t changed.”

“Please,” Tommy asks when Adam continues to hesitate. “We need you. Don’t let yourself be scared.”

Adam needs them just as badly, but it’s as if there’s a wall separating them and he has no idea how to break through it. “I don’t know how to do that.”

As they press closer, some of the tension seeps out of Adam’s shoulders. For a second, it feels right and strong and safe, but that sensation disappears before he has a chance to cling to it. 

He shivers in their arms as he hears Brian say, “Let us help you. Let us in. Let us take care of you.”

When Adam doesn’t react, Tommy repeats, “Let us in.”

It’s not easy. Not after he closed his mind so tightly, sure that he would soon hear a musical harmony that didn’t need him. It takes Adam a couple of minutes and a lot of energy before he finally manages to open his mind, before he hears hints of their music again. 

It’s not a harmony yet, to Adam’s surprise. It’s beautiful, seductive, and he could listen to it forever, but if feels like there’s something missing. Guitar and piano dance together as if they’re trying to pull him in. 

His own voice, though, is suspiciously absent. He can’t hear himself, no matter how hard he tries. It feels like the only solution is to sing, really sing, like he did earlier when he was trying to help Tommy. Adam realizes it was easier when his focus was on Tommy, in large part because it left him free to ignore everything that felt wrong inside himself. 

They’re right. He’s not back completely. Not yet. Not until he stops feeling like his whole world is tilted on its axis. And he has no idea if letting them take care of him in this way will actually help, but he has a feeling it can’t hurt. 

So he lets their music weave its spell on him, lets them take his weight, and pushes the fear and doubt to the back of his mind. There can be only here and now. Nothing else matters.

There’s a slow, soft mile on Tommy’s face. “Kiss me.”

It’s sweet and gentle, everything their kisses never are. A slow dance of lips and tongue as Adam tries to relearn Tommy, inside and out, from a single kiss. 

When they separate, Adam feels out of balance, because something’s still missing. It takes him a second to notice that Brian isn’t holding him anymore. 

He tries to turn his head and look, but before he can, Brian crowds him against the wall. Brian pulls Adam’s head down with one hand behind Adam’s neck as he takes possession of Adam’s mouth. 

Adam can feel Tommy’s body against his side. Tommy’s hand slips under Adam’s shirt and traces circles over Adam’s stomach. The contrast between Tommy’s soft touch and Brian’s hard kisses, the way he forces Adam to yield and give sets Adam’s world right again. All the pieces fits into place. 

That feeling disappears as soon as Brian releases Adam and takes a step back. Without thinking, Adam wraps an arm around Tommy’s waist to bring him closer and extends his other hand toward Brian. “Please.”

The possessive way Brian’s gaze embraces them both makes Adam shiver. He’s just now realizing how much he missed this. 

“Not yet.” Instead of a rejection, it feels like a promise that soon everything will be right again. 

After a second, barely a heartbeat that seems to extend into eternity as Brian stares at them, Brian says, “Bedroom. Now.”

Tommy tugs on Adam’s hand, and Adam lets Tommy pull him along, lets Tommy undress him on the way. Tommy grabs every excuse he can to touch him again, as if he’s afraid Adam will disappear into nothingness any second if Tommy doesn’t make sure that he’s still there.

Adam ends up lost somewhere between Tommy’s caresses and the feeling of Brian’s eyes on him, feasting on all the skin being slowly unveiled by Tommy’s teasing touches and the way Adam can’t resist doing as Brian says. 

By the time they make it to the bedroom, Adam’s down to his underwear but Tommy has barely lost his shirt. “Hey, that’s not fair,” Adam tries to say, but Tommy moves out of his reach, holding both of Adam’s hands in his.

“It’s not my turn yet.” Tommy pulls Adam toward the bed as he says, again, “Let us take care of you.”

Adam lets Tommy pull him along, lure in by soft touches and barely there kisses. It’s easy and natural and safe, and the last thing Adam wants is to question it. Soon he finds himself lying on his back on the bed, with Tommy behind him, reclining against the pillows. Adam’s head iz on Tommy’s chest and Tommy’s arms are holding him so tight that it feels like he’s never going to let go. 

“Kiss me,” Adam can’t help but ask, and Tommy does, but keeps his touch so light and sweet that Adam wants to groan in frustration because it’s so far from being enough. 

Before he has time to object, though, his back arches as he feels Brian’s teeth on his inner thigh, not a real bite, just a warning, but still enough to make Adam release Tommy’s mouth. 

“You forgetting about me?”

Brian’s light tone has Tommy teasing right back. “Like you’d ever let us,” and Adam can’t help but laugh a little at how familiar it sounds. 

He’s still smiling when he says, “You two planned this.”

Brian shrugs. “Yeah, we did. You didn’t leave us with much choice.”

“So what do we do now?” Adam asks.

Two fingers under his chin make him turn his head toward Tommy. 

“Close your eyes. And feel.” The command sounds so strange coming from Tommy’s mouth, but there’s no way Adam can refuse. He’s all too aware that a small part of himself is still held captive just outside his grasp, and he needs to have it back, any way he can. 

He obeys. Although, for a second, the fear returns at the thought that this won’t be anything more than a reminder of all those nights he spent alone, reaching for something he didn’t even think existed. 

There’s a second when nothing happens as his underwear is pulled off, just long enough for him to tense up. Then he feels hands all over him, tiny touches and gentle caresses, slowly, patiently chasing the tension away. With his eyes closed, he reaches the point where he can’t even tell whose hands they are, whose fingers are tweaking his nipple or pressing deep into his muscles until he’s reduced to putty. 

He barely feels Tommy move, letting him lie back against the pillow. Then suddenly, everything feels ten times more intense as Brian and Tommy attack. Their fingers and teeth leave marks everywhere as they remind him that he’s theirs as much as they are his. 

A rush of desire like he hasn’t felt in months goes straight to Adam’s head, and his cock fills as they slowly drive him crazy. Licks and nibbles, a teasing hint of teeth and full on bites, a light scrape of nails and barely felt fingertips. They keep moving, switching places until he has no idea who’s where, until he’s lost in a sea of sensation, feeling the music grow stronger with every touch. A storm has taken over Adam’s body and mind, and he doesn’t want to stop it. 

Pleasure builds up in his lower back, and he can’t stop the whimpered, “Please,” that escapes his mouth. The touches on his body turn sweet and teasing again until Adam reaches for them, and says, more intensely this time, “ _Please_.”

For a moment he thinks they won’t listen, but then he hears Brian’s voice, clear as day through the fog surrounding him, “Look at me.”

It takes Adam an effort to open his eyes and focus on Brian as he feels Tommy move so he can sit by Adam’s side and hold him close. As soon as Adam’s caught by Brian’s gaze, though, he can’t look away. Everything is as intense as it was on that very first night. It feels like it’s happening all over again, that moment when he had to take a long, hard look at who he really was, and what he wanted. 

Everything about this feels so familiar, down to Brian’s confident, possessive touches. The only thing that’s different is the way Tommy holds Adam close and tight, whispering soothing nonsense and encouragement, saying again and again how much he needs to have Adam back, all of him. But that only makes the whole thing stronger, more right.

Like the way Tommy kisses Adam’s whimpers right out of his mouth when he feels Brian’s fingers in his ass. The way Tommy holds Adam closer, tighter when he tries to chase after the sensation of wet fingers filling him, stretching him. The way both Brian’s and Tommy voices mix together until it feels like they’re all just one person, music filling the empty spaces around them and bringing them together in a way they’ve never been before. 

Adam cries out when Brian’s cock finally fills him, and he can’t help but move when Brian doesn’t because it’s been far too long. He needs this, needs to feel owned and possessed in a way that’s more than just just a memory. 

Soon nothing exists for him but the way Tommy holds him close, fingers moving over Adam’s chest in tiny, tiny touches, one more sensation for Adam to lose himself in, and the way Brian stares at him, as if daring him to look away.

Adam can’t, though. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. It’s as if his whole world is tilting on its axis and the only thing still holding him upright is Brian’s gaze. He clings to Tommy as hard as he can, barely able to hold in the moans and groans that threaten to emerge every single time Brian thrusts into him, taking his breath away.

He’s just on the verge of uncomfortable because it’s been so long, and he wasn’t ready, but the last thing he wants is for Brian to stop. Even the smallest hint of a pain that he would usually refuse with all his being makes his cock harder because it’s a reminder that this is real, and that this time, he won’t wake up alone in an empty bed. 

The music grows louder, in harmony with the pleasure that’s slowly taking over Adam’s body. The result is so gorgeous that it brings tears to Adam’s eyes. He finds his ground in the way his lovers look at him as if he was the most precious thing in the world. He’s aware they’re both weaving their spell over him, but he doesn’t care. Not when he knows that they’re pushing him toward who he was before, when he was whole. 

There’s a whisper in his ear and a hand closes around his cock, giving him so much glorious, tight pressure that it’s the last thing he needed to send his orgasm washing over him, pleasure and pain and love and, at the very last second, his own voice coming back to him, a soft humming under his breath that doesn’t exist anywhere but in his own head as he finally remembers everything music always meant to him. 

He catches Brian’s gaze and whispers, pleading, begging, “Come here. Please.”

A second later he has Brian all over him, Brian’s cock still deep in Adam’s ass as he wraps himself around Adam and kisses the moans right out of Adam’s mouth. Adam moves with the barely there thrusts as Brian chases after his own pleasure in Adam’s body. It’s just on this side of too much, yet Adam pulls Brian even closer because he needs to feel Brian come inside him. This is right and strong and real in a way Adam hasn’t felt in months. 

Brian finds his release and collapses on top of Adam. Adam closes his eyes for a second as Brian pulls out of him, overwhelmed by the feeling that this is where he belongs, even though a little something is still missing. 

While they’re still trying to catch their breath, Adam realizes that Tommy’s moving next to him, rocking his hips against the bed and inching a hand toward his own cock. Without thinking, Adam reaches out and grabs Tommy’s hand to keep it away from his cock. At the same moment, Brian’s hands go to Tommy’s hips, forcing him to stop. 

Tommy shudders as they both hold him, their grips loose enough that he could get away if he really wanted to. Instead, he goes lax and doesn’t move a muscle. 

For a moment they all stay like that, silent, immobile, the air around them getting thicker with every second that passes. Then Adam notices that Tommy’s gaze has dropped to the bed out of habit, and it’s enough to make him break the silence. “Look at me.”

The expression on Tommy’s face is enough to erase Adam’s remaining doubts. It’s pure desire and love, and a trust so strong that Adam can practically feel it. The music fades a little into the background, until it’s back to the presence he’s used to, always there but only overwhelming when he chooses to let it be so. 

“Are you sure he’s gonna be okay?” Adam asks.

Pure annoyance shows on Tommy’s face. “I told you I’m fine.”

Adam doesn’t smile, but he can’t help the little quirk of his lips. “I wasn’t asking you.”

Tommy mumbles something under his breath about them “talking about me as if I’m not even there,” and Brian laughs.

“Yeah, he’s good. We still have a couple of hours before he needs to feed from anyone but you and me.” There’s an almost predatory quality to Brian’s smile. “We have more than enough time.”

“As long as you’re not planning on making me wait all day.”

“Careful, baby,” Adam says, softly. “Don’t give us ideas.”

He watches the emotions fighting on Tommy’s face until desire wins over with a bright flush on Tommy cheeks. 

“As far as I’m concerned, you never really had a choice.” Adam presses a finger against Tommy’s lips to shush him. “Don’t argue. Just hear me out.” He waits until he feels Tommy nod. “So I’m giving you one now.”

There’s no going back, not at this point, not after everything that’s happened, and Adam’s perfectly aware of that. This, right here, is symbolic more than anything, but Adam needs to do it. He hopes like hell Tommy realizes it and lets him. 

Tommy must get it, because he shifts over on his knees to face Adam. “I’m listening.”

Brian moves one hand to Adam’s shoulder and squeezes. It’s no surprise that Adam uses words that are eerily similar to those Brian said to him that very first night, so many years ago. “Will you be ours? Will you let us protect you, take care of you, cherish you? Will you let us own you?” Before Tommy can reply, Adam adds, “If you say yes now, we’ll never let you go.”

A whimpering, “ _Yes_. Please…” is all Tommy can get out before Adam kisses the breath out of him.

This kiss is everything the earlier ones weren’t, full of hunger and craving and everything Adam’s missed over the last few months without ever realizing it.

Within seconds, they have Tommy flat on his back. Brian holds Tommy’s hands over his head, and Adam spreads his legs wide. Adam allows himself to enjoy the view before he gives in to the urge to claim, to mark, and sucks a bruise at the junction of Tommy’s thigh and groin as Brian does the same on Tommy’s neck. 

It’s such a high to feel Tommy squirm in their grip as if he has no idea if he wants more or less of everything they’re giving him, and to be so very aware that he’s still not going to try and stop them. 

It makes everything easier, pieces falling into place as Adam feel a little more like himself each moment. One look at Brian let him know they think the exact same thing. He lets the possessive feeling take hold of him and push him as together, they taje Tommy apart, sucking bites and bruises into Tommy’s skin until Tommy’s usual stubborn “don’t tease, damn it” gives way to a mess of “need you” and “more” and “please”. 

Then Adam takes Tommy’s cock in his mouth, licking and teasing and sucking while Brian torments Tommy some more, his teeth going right back to the spots where he left bruises. 

When Adam releases his cock, Tommy trembles and tries to shift his hips, to follow Adam’s mouth. Adam holds Tommy’s hips against the bed, smiling when he hears Brian whisper, “So good, baby. You’re always so good for us. Just a little more now.” 

Adam waits until Tommy’s hazy eyes focus on him again, then he makes a show of sucking and licking his own fingers until they’re damp with saliva. Tommy tenses in anticipation, but he also spreads his legs wider. Even though all that does is make him want to hear Tommy beg again, Adam gives him an approving smile. 

So he waits, and waits, and waits, time suspending its course until Tommy lets out one more mewling, “ _please_.” It’s only then that he takes Tommy’s cock back into his mouth, enjoying the taste and the simple fact that he gets to do this again, the knowledge that Tommy will take everything Adam and Brian hand him and then beg for more. 

He sucks and licks Tommy’s cock, taking him as far into his mouth as he can, while he presses his fingers behind Tommy’s balls, slip-sliding toward his hole. He feels Tommy arch into the drag of skin against skin until he gets just the tip of Adam’s fingers inside. Knowing that Tommy’s right on the brink, Adam pushes his fingers fully inside and swallows once around Tommy’s cock and then again, just to hear Tommy’s voice break as he comes. 

Gently, Adam licks Tommy clean then makes his way up Tommy body, dropping a soft kiss on one of the bruises that litter Tommy’s stomach. He lies down on Tommy’s side, facing Brian, stroking his fingers up and down Tommy’s side while Tommy tries to catch his breath. 

As Brian slides his hand down to Tommy’s soft cock, Adam knows that Brian’s wicked smile is meant for him. All Brian does is lay his palm over Tommy’s cock, but that’s enough to have Tommy buck up into it and plead, “Too soon, fuck, not yet, _please_ ,” and it takes the both of him to hold him down.

Brian waits until Tommy’s cock starts to harden under his hand before he agrees, “Not yet,” and lift his hand away. 

Adam can’t help but laugh at the look of pure disbelief on Tommy’s face. “Let’s rest for now. We deserve it.”

He feels Tommy tense, fear seeping out of him, so intensely that Adam can practically feel it. He pulls Tommy closer, and whispers, “We’re not going anywhere.”

After everything they’ve been through, the promise feels empty. It might be why Tommy mumbles, “Don’t you dare disappear and leave me alone again,” as he burrows between Adam and Brian.

Adam catches Brian’s gaze over Tommy’s shoulder and knows they’re thinking the exact same thing: someone will have to pay for everything they endured over the last six months. 

A fast glance at Tommy reassures Adam that, even though Tommy will need to feed soon, he can still go on a little while. Adam lets out a contented sigh as he realizes that he can allow himself to enjoy the peace he’s found. He inches closer to Tommy and curls toward Brian until he can touch him as well. 

It’s only then, once he has their music back, that the soft caress of Brian’s fingers against his side and the weight of Tommy’s body against his makes Adam feel, for the first time in a long while, complete, whole, and himself again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> Tracklisting:  
> 1\. I Don't Believe- Cinema Bizarre  
> 2\. World Behind My Wall- Tokio Hotel  
> 3\. Kid Nothing and the Never-Ending Naked Nightmare- Gym Class Heroes  
> 4\. The Best of Me- The Used  
> 5\. Wo bist du- Rammstein  
> 6\. Look What You've Done- Jet  
> 7\. Such A Fool- 22-20s  
> 8\. Gone Away- The Offspring  
> 9\. Blurry- Puddle of Mudd  
> 10.Fell On Black Days- Soundgarden  
> 11.Still Alive- Negative  
> 12.Emotion Sickness (Silverchair cover)- Jon Gaskin  
> 13.Empty Apartments- Yellowcard  
> 14.Blue and Yellow- The Used  
> 15.Carry On- Elliot Minor
> 
> (Since the link to the mix isn't working right now, I'll be editing this with the correct link as soon as it's fixed. It will also be on the GRBB comm at some point later on.)


End file.
